Identity. The first four months of my race was all about identity. I discovered a lot about how I viewed myself.
When I was asked the question “Do you love yourself?” the first week of the race I broke in tears at the realization that I could not honestly say yes.
Not only did I not truly love myself, but it continued to be hard for me to believe my team and other people around me could love me for me and not for my abilities. My artistic ability and my musical ability.
Most of my life has been focused on what I can do. I’ve always excelled in art and music and I always got a congratulations or a pat on the back or a comment on how I was very talented.
I struggled a lot with trying to figure out how to believe I’m loved because of me and still serve people with the gifts God has given me. There was always a lie being spoken into the back of my mind that my talent is all I was worth.
It took a lot of God speaking to me and prying open my heart for me to realize the misconception the enemy had hung around the gifts and passions God gave me.
The first 4 months of my race, backpacking our way through 4 countries in South East Asia, and growing with the other 6 of the 7 Watchers (my last team) gave me something.
It gave me a confidence in who I am as a woman of the Most High God
I am his daughter
He created my body
He created my heart
He created my talent
and he created them with purpose.
God revealed how I can bless people and speak to people through how I create and see the world, but that I am whole in Christ with or without those things. And if God were to call me out of creativity and my talents, or were to take them away I know and BELIEVE that I am loved regardless.
At the end of month 4 in the Philippines I was gifted something. A good friend I had made, and was able to encourage in his own creativity, gave me a bracelet off his own wrist.
At first I refused, and told him he didn’t have to give me anything, but he insisted. It is a leather bracelet that has a simple metal plate that says ‘believe’.
I had started to believe more and more of my identity throughout the first four months, and I came to a place in the Philippines where I had started to discover a passion I have for encouraging people in their own creativity. But the bracelet really encompassed what my heart had been wrestling with since leaving the states.
I BELIEVE THAT I AM LOVED.
I BELIEVE THAT I WAS GIVEN TALENTS FOR A PURPOSE.
I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS REVEALING MORE AND MORE OF HIMSELF.
I BELIEVE.
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I just finished this painting. I started it last month as a new chapter began, new teams, new role, new continent.
Its a process of what happened in my heart the first 4 months. I know it seems dark, but I look at it and see so much joy. The colors of myself are being revealed. It wasn’t an easy process and its not over, it never will be. Some days are better than others.
In all honesty I want you to get what you are meant to draw from it. So take a minute, look, process, think. Maybe you like art, maybe you aren’t all that into it. But take a second. What does this tell you? I know what it tells me, heck I created it. But take a moment and think about how much God changes you through the trials and event you find yourself in. If you are on the Race, think about how much God has shaped you through this catalyst we call the World Race.
If you want to tell me how this impacted you, or even just how God is shaping you, I invite you to share. In the comments, on your own blog, or even just shooting me an email. [email protected]
I love you all, and I cant wait to share the stories of door to door evangelism this month. God has shown up in crazy ways. From people’s eyes being opened to God’s desire for their heart, to praying for healing 6 times in a day. God is moving mountains here in Zambia.
Lots of Love,
Hannah
