I never realized how packing can reveal someones true desires and give such insight into who that person is. As I sit here and pack for training camp/Africa/trial-run for the race, I notice how easily I am able to forget about the majority of clothes in my closet. I am easily able to give up “outfits” and easily able to give up beauty products. However, as my family is doing their own thing today I notice that I am going to truly struggle with giving up the presence of my family for a year. I’ve always known that my family is the central part of my life but I am happy to know that when my thoughts and words are getting put to the test, so to speak, that this fact remains true. Out of all the things I enjoy in life, music, clothes, friends, my bed, Jimmy Johns, Diet Coke… my family is the only thing I am struggling to let go of. I wonder who’s going to fill those voids in my family when I’m gone. My family will all undoubtedly shift to make a new normal, but what happens when I return? Will it be similar to the transitions after deployments like my family and I have experienced countless times before? Will I fall back into things like normal, but different. Will I be able to ask for help transitioning when I need it? Who’s going to laugh with my brother about the funny things our parents did when we were growing up? Who’s going to comfort my dog when she’s crying at the door for her mama? Who’s going to go out to lunch with my mother 4 times a week and answer the 6 phones calls a day? Sorry about that one dad… I have a feeling thats going to be you… enjoy it, seriously.
I am not scared to go on the race; I am scared to leave my family. Im scared to leave them not because of the pain I will feel, but because of the void I will leave when I’m gone. I know this void all too well because of being the daughter and sister of a soldier. When a loved one leaves, something is missing. The hard part about this fact is that in spite of our grief and pain, life goes on. The sun still rises and sets without them. Work still happens and friends still want to chat. I pray that my family quickly finds a new norm to help fill the void. I pray everyday for happiness and laughter at family dinners, for embarrassing stories of me to be told around the campfire and for my mother to find a way to continue on without tears. I pray that my family understands the happiness this year is bringing to my life and I pray that whenever they think of me it will be with a smile and excitement that I am finally living out my dream.
Packing…wrecked…
