“If I find a finite thing that gives me all my meaning/identity/purpose, then the success of other people in that field will always be a threat to my joy.”
-Ben Stuart
Back in Nicaragua (Month 2), I had a little bit of a huge breakdown. Face-to-the-floor, it was in a little courtyard or a school in Leon, Nicaragua, that the Lord let me in on the secret that I was finding my identity in leadership, in a title, in a role. And He dropped the news that if He took that away from me, I wouldn’t be okay.
Which wasn’t okay.
So I ate a couple humble pies that week, admitting it all to several people, and even writing a very scary, vulnerable blog, which can be found HERE. BUT, He didn’t take the role away from me in that moment- He let me keep it. Life just kind of kept going.
Little did I know that on a mountaintop in Nepal, God would pull it all together, because He’s a no-strings-left-undone sort of guy.
See, the night before we left for the mountains, I woke up at 1:45am in agonizing pain. Cramping pains were shooting through my upper abdomen and I spent the better part of the night curled up in a ball with 4 girls surrounding me, praying the pain would leave. It eventually did (4 hours later) and I got a solid two hours of sleep to hold me through our 5 hour hike to the village the following day. Our first night in the village, the same thing happened. And for the rest of the week, my body continued to react more sensitively to foods and who knows what else than it ever has before (I have a GREAT immune system you guys, so this was WEIRD).
I also began breaking down about something nearly everyday. Mornings or afternoons spent in mind boggling tears. “Why am I getting this worked up? What the heck is wrong with me Jesus?” From a person who would not consider herself extra emotional, my emotions were all over the place, varying long and wide and deep.
Emotionally and physically, I was a mess.
My friend Beth was with us this month and PTL she was- The Lord knew I needed her to just vent to and get all the messy words spoken. Hi, my name’s Hannah and I’m a verbal processor. One morning in particular, a day away from our descent from the mountain village, I spent probably close to an hour sitting on a little ledge of a field where cows were feeding, talking to Beth. Trying to figure out what the heck was going on in my head. And what came out was this:
I was tired. And I wanted it to be okay and understandable that I was tired. I was done receiving all these different ways that I could get un-tired, in Jesus’ sweet name just let me be tired.
And like putting heat on a stick of butter (I miss butter), I melted. And I started to fully understand how tired I was. That no matter how many times I cried and then got back up again, ready to fight, it would only be a matter of time before I fell down in exasperation again.
About an hour later, as I was sitting by the little school we were adding a room to, God just started downloading stuff, and my thoughts formed cohesively and clearly to this question: “Maybe, maybe, there was a reason God didn’t let me step down from leadership in Nicaragua. Because in that moment, it would have been God ripping it out of my clenched hands. Instead, He let it be mine. And He let me get so exhausted, so spent, that I either said Jesus, I want you more than I want this position; I want you and your rest and your love a thousand times more than the title; let me breathe again, Lord- or I could have run myself into the ground and sent everything around me up in flames with me.
So -in an effort to avoid the flame situation- after six months of Team Leading, I decided it was time for me to hand the reigns to someone else. And immediately with that decision, I felt this rush of peace come over me. Rest and Joy and Peace and complete Freedom in unfathomable amounts. And for the last week it has been confirmed over and over and over again, mostly seen in the new spirit alive in me. A spirit not tied down and limited to circumstance or role, but tied with assurance to the Anchor of my soul.
To know that leadership is not some ability I have, but a gift the Lord has given me for HIS purposes, not for my own fulfillment or glory; that it’s not my identity, that it’s not where I place my security-to be operating out of that new-found place of freedom, that’s HUGE y’all!! The angels are going all Sister Act up in heaven, singing Glory Glory, Hallelujah and I think Jesus and the Father are dancing like crazy men because Satan holds that power over my head no longer. That battle has been fought and won for the Lord.
So here’s to figuring out who I am outside of leadership. Here’s to not having responsibilities and letting someone else take the reigns on things. Here’s to seeing my relationship with The Father in a new light. Here’s to letting God fill in the spaces that linger in what I know of who He’s made me to be.
Here’s to a new season, a new team, and new adventures!
