This is the second part of a three part testimony series, I know its messy, but in that mess I ended up where I am today! You can read part one here.
Enjoy 🙂
I rededicated my life to Christ on March 13, 2013 in the living room of my friend and mentor Diane Ramsey. The road to get there was long and it was full of mistakes, shame and regrets, but at that moment I knew that I had been set free from the guilt and shame that I had placed upon myself. I knew that I had been set free from so many strong holds that were on me, and that chains were continuing to fall off.
Up until this point a lot of my worth was found in what others thought of me, and how they perceived me. If I’m being honest I placed a lot of my worth in the relationships that I had with guys, if I met the expectations that they had for me. I placed a lot of my hope and my worth in relationships that I had, and what I felt when I was in them no matter how brief that was. This led to a lot of insecurities and because of those I let the ways of the world shape how I saw myself. It has taken me awhile to really truly believe that my worth is only found in the Lord, and that everything else pales in comparison to the love that he has had for me along this journey.
It was my junior year in high school before I started dating. My parents had placed a rule that we couldn’t date until we were 16, which looking back I wish that I hadn’t even started in high school. Like all teenagers I thought my parents knew very little about dating, what high school was like, yada yada…. I thought I had it all figured out.
I had no idea what I was doing.
My first “serious” relationship lasted from my senior year until I was a freshman in college. He was a great guy, and I will be the first to admit that I was all wrong in that relationship; I tried to play it cool and be the girl that his friends liked and be “one of the guys” but the relationship was full of struggles and mistakes, jealousy and a lot of unmet expectations. I was to physically and emotionally attached to the relationship to see how far in I really was. I still claimed to be a good girl on paper and I didn’t think what I was doing was wrong in my mind, yet my heart ached for something more.
It wasn’t until I went to Crossroad for the first time, a college aged ministry, that I realized that what my soul longed for was Jesus.
Oddly enough I went when the series was on Love, Dating, Marriage and Sex.
Guess who I had made come with me that night.. thats right.. the guy that I was dating.
God’s timing really is perfect huh?
Sitting through the message I felt as though he was talking straight to me, everything he was saying hit straight to my core.
1.Only take dating as seriously as you take marriage.
2.Only date someone you could marry.
3.Only date those seeking Christ.
4.Know your weaknesses. etc etc..
I still have that list written in the back of my bible to this day.
God started stirring something in me that night and I didn’t know what it was.
“Some of you are sitting there thinking.. man we should have driven separately.”
Touche Greg… touche.
After the message the band came back out.
As they sang “None but Jesus” tears just started rolling down my face and I couldn’t stop them.
“There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise.”
I let the words sink in, and just penetrate into my heart. I wasn’t living to bring Jesus praise.. I was living for myself, and I was living the way that my flesh desired. I knew something needed to change, and I knew where I needed to start.
I remember sitting in the car with my boyfriend right after the message, knowing that he knew what was about to happen, but knowing that he probably wouldn’t fully understand why.
I had to end it.
I wish I could say that after that I started living by putting Christ first, but I didn’t.
I tried and I tried, but old habits kept coming to the surface and I just couldn’t stop them. It was so easy to live the only way that I really knew how to.
I continued to go to Crossroad on Monday nights, and than eventually started going on Sunday mornings but I was still living and trying to fix things in my own strength, not realizing that God was standing right there ready to take my burdens. I started putting on the masks of what I wanted people to see me as. I would hide my shame and my guilt behind them, not really wanting everyone to see who I really was.
Throughout this time I was also working at a restaurant, and the life that I had tried so hard to distance myself from for so many years before became more and more inviting. After I turned 21 I began to indulge more in the life that is so commonly known in that community.
I still called myself a Christian, and I could easily skate through the days being the “good girl” that was constantly joyful and always smiling.
Deep down I knew where my joy came from, but I wasn’t strong enough, or bold enough to speak it out. I slowly began to hide behind that smile; I truly was joyful person, but inside I was slowly becoming a wreck.
I was still searching, but now my searching had a name and that name was Jesus.
I knew I needed Him, but I was in too deep and I couldn’t escape from the hold that the world had on me.
I was good at hiding behind the masks of what I thought people wanted me to be.
I had masks for every group: my parents and family, the people that I worked with, the people I saw at church. I had become really good at perfecting each mask, conforming to the expectations of each group, that no one could truly see just how lost I really was.
The problem with wearing masks was that at the end of the day I really didn’t know who I was without them.
I was so good at being who different people wanted me to be that I had forgotten who I really was.
{Continued in Grace Abounds Part Three}
