This post is hard for me because I do not like showing my weaknesses. However, when I am weak, He is strong. This is His story, I have the privilege of being a part of it.
Alone in my room, drunk on the floor, mocking the Lord.
This is where I was about 6 months after moving to Colorado.
Prior to moving to Colorado, I was finishing up college and trying so hard to desire the Lord. It had been about a year and a half struggle where I felt like I had tried absolutely everything. I was in a small group with wonderful girls praying that this desire would come back, praying to feel close to the Lord again, reading the Bible out of discipline, attending church and on-campus ministry to do anything to spark my fire again for the Lord. Nothing worked.
Once I decided to move to Colorado, I just assumed once I got there, it would be a new place, new atmosphere, new people, and a renewed relationship with the Lord. It would all come really easy. This clearly did not happen.
I continued trying to desire the Lord again, but I just couldn’t do it. I eventually became extremely frustrated, to the point where I basically said “Forget God.” What is the point in serving a God that doesn’t care about me enough to answer my prayers just to desire Him? Why doesn’t He want that for me? That led to me living selfishly. I was living for myself and since I couldn’t seem to find satisfaction in the Lord, I would look for it elsewhere.
Boys, alcohol, bad decisions. This was my method of trying to find fulfillment. I had never drank much or dated boys I probably shouldn’t have, so I figured this would make me feel better. I refused to even talk about the Lord. My roommates, Kim and Alysa, tried talking to me, I immediately changed the subject and eventually came to the point where I would just tell them I honestly did not want anything to do with the Lord. I didn’t want to talk about Him, think about Him. A post on Facebook or Instagram actually disgusted me if it was Christian related at all, and I would quickly scroll past it. I was OVER the whole “God thing.”
Luckily, the entire time Kim and Alysa were praying for me. These two girls who I had not known very long and met off of Craigslist, but immediately became best friends with were beside me the whole time. They did not judge me through this, they simply loved me. The Lord answered their prayers and protected me immensely through this time, not allowing these poor decisions to affect my life long term.
Fast forward a little bit, and I started to realize I would never find satisfaction anywhere but in the Lord. Boys would never fill that hole, alcohol couldn’t do it. Nothing on this earth can fill the God shaped hole in my life and satisfy me in anyway whatsoever. Shortly after this revelation, Kim and Alysa moved, my support system who loved me through all of this were in different states than me. I could feel myself slipping back into where I was before, not to the extreme, but my thoughts were starting to go there. I knew this couldn’t happen again.
I was not super happy where I was living, so I started to look for a new place. A friend of a friend randomly had an opening in their house, and I had already put in my one-month’s notice, so I needed to find somewhere ASAP. This girl calls me on the phone, and her first question is “Do you love Jesus?” I liked her already. Little did I know though, that moving into this house with 4 of the most awesome girls ever would continue to push me even closer to the Lord, that working at a PT clinic would give me even more best friends.
Colorado did not change me, but God used this state, these people to change me. If you would have told me two years ago, I would be leaving on a year long missions trip, I would have laughed in your face and not thought twice about it, but here I am.
I leave Colorado tomorrow to spend time in Georgia before I actually leave the country, but what I take with me is so much greater. I take life long memories. I take life long friendships. I take a renewed faith in the Lord.
To Kim and Alysa, thank you. Thank you for loving me right when I moved in, thank you for loving me through all of my garbage, and thank you for loving me even when you moved away.
To the KP, thank you. Thank you for loving me right when I moved in, thank you for loving me through all my garbage, and thank you for loving me even when I am moving away.
To Leah, Brittany, and my other Colorado peeps, thank you. Thank you for loving me while I have known you and through all my craziness.
Colorado, you are a treasure, and this is not goodbye, but merely see you later. Thank you God for all the many blessings that you provided for me during my time here, and that I will take these blessings with me around the world as part of my journey, part of my support team, and always part of my life.
