“You and Ryan (my brother) are in a car together and driving. The music is blaring and y’all are dancing and laughing. Enjoying the moments of being together. After awhile, the car stops. Jesus is outside holding His hands out to Ryan. Ryan tells you, “It’s time for me to go, but I will always watch over you and will always protect you.” I smiled at him and said, “I know, go be with Him.” Ryan jumps out and grabs Jesus hands. They walk off together into the light.”
That was said by my teammate, James, this past Saturday night.
Before I explain what this conservation is about, I am going to go back into the past and explain how I got to this point.
Let’s go back to when Ryan passed away. The day that he died, I turned away from God. I ran into a dark hole. I became very angry at him. I was lost and confused and did not understand why God “took” Ryan. Over the past 4 years, I was angry at the Lord even when I loved Him. I came on the race angry at Him. Yes I loved Him, I gave my life to Him by leaving my family who I miss very much and my life back in America. But I was still angry at Him for my brother’s death. In Mongolia, during our debrief (a time where the whole squad gets together for few days and process the race and share stories), we had “vulnerable story time” where people can go up and just be open and pour their hearts out. I went up there and told my squad that I was still angry at God and was still confused on why Ryan passed away. I also said, “Even though I am angry, I know, by faith, He will set me free from it.”
That happened, He freed me from anger in Japan. It was the third week in Japan. Abby (one of my teammates) and I were in bed doing devotionals. Afterwards, we talked about the fallen angels and heaven. Abby said, “How amazing would it be if we met Jesus at this moment?” Then it hit me. Ryan is with Jesus. He is with the Lord. How freaking amazing is that? Like I am jealous.. I realized why should I be mad at God about that? Why should I be mad that Ryan is with the most amazing man? Why should I be mad that Ryan is at peace.. When he is feeling joyful all the time.. When he gets to do things that he loves such as hunting, fishing, being with families, etc.
That night, my burdens were lifted. The Lord freed me from anger and gave me complete freedom. That night I realized that Ryan is up there to protect us because he maybe couldn’t do it down here.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always miss him and there will be days were I will be sad and mourn for him. But there will no anger involved.
I wanted to blog about this and tell you guys that week in Japan, but God told me to wait.
4 weeks later.. which leads up to this past Saturday. We had worship and prayer night (which was the most awesome night I’ve had in awhile). People prayed for each other, people prophecy for one another, etc etc. I got prophesied a few times (all were very on point and really cool perspective) but I will save that for another day. That night I also gave out my testimony. When I gave out my testimony, thats when my teammate, James, had the vision for me.
“You and Ryan are in a car together and driving. The music is blaring and y’all are dancing and laughing. Enjoying the moments of being together. After awhile, the car stops. Jesus is outside holding His hands out to Ryan. Ryan tells you, “It’s time for me to go, but I will always watch over you and will always protect you.” I smiled at him and said, “I know, go be with Him.” Ryan jumps out and grabs Jesus’ hands. They walk off together into the light.”
That hit close to my heart because Ryan and I used to go on car rides all the time and we would blare the music up. We would always go to the ice cream place and order our usuals. James didn’t know that we used to do that. So I told him that and it comforted him knowing that the vision was from Ryan and God.
After all that, the Lord told me, “It’s time to share.“
For the people who knew Ryan: Ryan is with the amazing Lord. He is with each and every one of you all the time. He is watching over you and protecting you. He is smiling for you everyday. He is proud of you, no matter what you do. When things get hard, hold on to God. He will free you. He will give you light, the same light that he is giving Ryan.
For the people who have lost loved ones: Your loved ones are with the amazing Lord. They are with each and every one of you all the time. They are watching over you and protecting you. They are smiling for you everyday. They are proud of you, no matter what you do. When things get hard, hold on to God. He will free you. He will give you light, the same light that he is giving to your loved ones.
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. Psalm 118:5
Through Him, I am finally free! And you will be too, if you cry out to the Lord and let Him rescue you. Let Him lift up your burdens and let Him set you free.
