I have a confession to make.
My confession is that I am scared. I am completely scared.
What am I afraid of? I am afraid of getting hurt. Because of this, I am having second thoughts about doing the World Race. Don’t worry, I am still doing this wonderful opportunity, but the second thought is slowly crawling into my mind.
I have been hurt by a lot of people in the past because of my disability. Today, I finally mentioned to my squadmates on our September Route One facebook page that I am hard of hearing in my right ear and deaf in my left ear. After I mentioned it to them, I completely broke.
After few long years of building up my confidence and letting go of my insecurities, today all of my insecurity came back. Just like that. The thoughts came back: “Will they, really, accept me for who I am?” “What if they get tired of having to repeat things to me?” “They are already adjusting their life by going on the race, now they are going to have to adjust even more by having me around.”
I can’t go on the Race knowing, just maybe, they could hurt me..
Which is completely ridiculous because I have been getting to know my squadmates through the facebook page and they are completely wonderful. Each of them have unique, amazing qualities. I have not met any of them but I already have that special place in my heart for them. Yall, my squad is beautiful. I think about them and pray for them everyday, literally.
“God, why am I thinking like this?” “Because you are afraid. You need to let go of your pain and forgive those who hurt you.”
I am normally the one that prays for people rather asking for prayers about something specifically. I need your prayers. Please pray that the Holy Spirit will give me courage to push out the negative thoughts. Pray that the Lord will help me heal my pain and that He will help me let go my insecurities. Pray that I will learn to forgive those who hurt me.
With that being said of needing to learn how to let go of my pain and insecurity, I am going to start now. This is the first of many step of letting go of my pain and insecurities:
Dear Route 1 squad,
I have plenty of things to say to yall, but I am going to save that for training week. So I will keep this short and simple. I will do everything I can by loving each, every one of you even with your unique flaws. I will do everything I can by listening to you, being there for you. I will do everything I can by praying for you, even when you don’t ask. I will do everything I can by being with you guys every step of the way throughout the next year. I will do everything I can by devoting myself to you, to God, and to the people of Asia. I cannot wait to meet each and every one of you in July and bring out our true inner weirdness (those are always the best). God Bless you guys.
Love Always,
Your squad-mate, Haley
“The LORD gives me light and saves me. Why should I fear anyone? The LORD is my place of safety. Why should I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1
