As my month here in Malaysia comes to an end I’ve had a lot of downtime and have believed some lies that I haven’t noticed until this month that they are actually lies. I focus on who people think I am, what people want me to agree on, and what people want me to do.
I for 12 or so years have believed that I don’t have an opinion, so I agree with anything anyone says. I’ve only agreed because I felt like I didn’t have a voice. I act like I want to do something, when really in my head I’m screaming “NO! I DON’T WANT TO DO IT!” I’ve gone with the flow for so many years just to make people happy. My strongest conviction I have is with guys. I please them in whatever way they want, just to satisfy them. I feel disgusted, dirty, and used when I think of it because all I do is satisfy their needs in search of love.
This month I learned and started to truly believe that my voice matters. I can stand up for what I want to do, where I want to go, and when I’d like to do it. I have been so open to opening up to my teammates about what’s going on back home, or how I’m really feeling, it’s been an amazing realization as to how I view myself in Christ.
My team has been so open and helpful to helping me walk through my struggle with not using my voice. They challenge me to tell them how I’m really feeling and what I’m really thinking. In being open with my team, my relationship with the Lord has become so much more real and I’ve found myself wanting to spend time with Him.
As I now am going into my final month, month 11, I now know that I can tell people how I feel and what I am truly thinking. I’m finding freedom one step at a time, and it feels awesome!
