Yesterday I went on what was probably my last big hike until I come back home after the Race. It is one of my most favorite and memory filled trails as well as breathtaking. It’s a ten mile loop that looks beautiful in the early Spring when the green is just popping up out of the thawed ground, in the dead heat of Summer when I seek the coolness of under the evergreens, in the Fall when the many leaves are changing and falling into the winding creeks and as Winter is drawing near, it is beautiful.
Friday night I got back from work and came into my room and my roommate and I started talking. It’s not unusual for us to chat late into the night, but this time it was different. We were both giddy with lack of sleep and excited for the weekend to be able to relax and catch up on homework. As we were laughing about dreams of dancing of the tango I was struck with the thought of how much I am going to miss this amazing woman. I couldn’t help but wonder ‘What am I going to do next year without Rachel and Karlie? They are some of the best roommates I have ever had. Who am I going to talk to, work out with, encourage, eat cookies, zucchini pizza, watch movies with, laugh with? What am I going to do?’ I fell asleep with these thoughts rustling through my mind as I anticipated my long awaited hike in the morning.
As Saturday morning rolled around, my friend Ashley drove down to pick me up and we drove to the trailhead. During the drive we chatted and I looked out the window at the passing farms, canoe rentals, pumpkin patches. It struck me that this would probably be the last time I saw these signs, the last time that I was going on this trail for a year. I was happy I had sunglasses on because I started to tear up. And that’s when it hit me: I was running.
This past week, (if you read my previous blog) I have been resting. I’ve had a sinus infection and thoroughly enjoyed being able to sit down and enjoy the material items of the world but I’ve also been spending time with God. I just haven’t been saying what is on my mind nor listening to what He wanted to say. I wanted to keep myself busy with other things, other thoughts.
It wasn’t long into the trail that those thoughts became words out loud.
As we started the trail taking pictures of the bright sun and green grass, we were chatting about all that had happened since we had last hung out. When we were about 2 miles in and well onto our first big hill (this trail has taught me a lot about gravity…) the weight of everything became too much.
I needed answers.
I said to Ashley, “Ashley, I just need to say some stuff and I’m probably going to cry. I don’t know if I’m looking for answers from God or for God to speak through you, but I just need to say it, ok?” She said that was totally fine and I started to talk.
During training camp, Rynette and I spoke about grieving things and letting them go. I truly never thought I would have to grieve school, it’s not something I partially love, I sometimes just go (Sorry to any administrator, teacher or mentor who is reading this, but please keep reading, it ends happy honest!). I love to learn though, which is why I go to school, I want to learn more and further my education. A few weeks ago I was working on a group project in our student center and we were talking about the assignment and what we liked and didn’t about it, how it related to the rest of the course work and even other classes. After that meeting I realized that I’m going to miss school. It shocked me, honest. I couldn’t believe that I was going to miss school, but I am. I’m going to miss all my teachers who have helped me learn, all my mentors who have given me so much guidance on life, all my friends who’s smiles are contagious and are simply amazing. I’m going to miss it here. And I’m realizing it’s ok to miss it too, in fact it’s good to miss it because it means it’s made a difference in me.
Whenever I tell someone, “Hi, my name is gwen Debaun and have a call on my heart to go and do mission work. In January I’ll be going on a mission trip The World Race which is a trip that is for 11 months to 11 different countries.” I sometimes get a response along the lines of ‘I am so proud of you for following the call that God has placed on your heart! He is going to change you more than you even know and use you to change the lives of others!’ Now, I do not doubt in any way that God will be changing my life more than He has these past 21 years as I about venturing out these next 11 months, but I question how people know the impact I will be making on others and how the just know I am following the call on my heart.
During this hike as words kept following out, I became consumed with these questions: ‘Is this really the call that I am supposed to follow? I am doing the right thing? What about school? I wouldn’t have made it this far if I’m not supposed to finish, right? Why couldn’t mission work have waited for two more years until I graduated?’ Ironically enough, all of these were the questions that my parents asked when I first presented them with the Race. 
As I asked all these questions in the middle of the woods, I felt like a terrible daughter to the King. How could I doubt so much after everything that has happened? But I received acknowledgment for all these questions from God. He was happy that I was finally asking them. He wants me to ask them, He enjoys me asking them, it allows us to grow closer. Though I do not have all the answers from, some of those asked and some of those asked and answered that God spoke through Ashley, I feel more secure in my decision to go on the Race than ever. I know that I will still question it at times, and for sure question my sanity in it, but God likes my questions, it means I don’t have it all figured out, which is seriously true. I am allowing Him to lead me in it all.
One of my friend’s put it this way last night, “Gwen, you go into things head first and then look back at your decision as it comes closer and see all the affects of it. That is what’s happening now, which is great, it’s how you are. You dove right in and now you’re seeing how it’s going to happen and what’s going to come of it.”
So, who’s up for a little swimming?
