The days have begun to run together. I feel like I live in a daze. Is this the way I should be feeling at this point in the race?
I don’t think so. It doesn’t seem right. Maybe I have accepted that this is a way a life; constantly being stimulated with interactions, kids jumping on your back, praying for strangers, seeing extreme poverty and sex slavery.
Have I sub-consciously moved myself into a mental place where I see this as a normal day?
I find myself moving from place to place, goodbyes mean nothing to me, tears stream down my face. My mental capacity – has it reached a place that is beyond human mentality?
I accept the fact that I can’t possibly process every single thing that happens to me – there’s just no way. However,
I see it as a blessing.
I am experiencing so much of His Kingdom from day to day that my mere human brain can’t hold onto all the strings.
Fast forward to a day where I’m sitting in a coffee shop, consuming breakfast with two of my friends. I was watching Macklemore’s new music video when all of a sudden, I was asked,
“When was the first time your heart broke on the race?”
What?!?! Why do you want me to think about that right now?
But to be honest – I had just received a smack in the face. I had to take a step back to rewind the past 10 months of my life.
The race isn’t my first rodeo. When I landed in South Africa, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t deeply moved by any of my ministry and to level with you, I found it fairly easy.
It wasn’t until month three when I stood in a doctors office, anxiously waiting for an HIV/AIDS test result for my two dearest sisters.
It wasn’t until I watched a new mom trying to bring back to life her new born baby.
It wasn’t until I saw a woman dying of extreme poverty.
It wasn’t until I watched a demon come out of a humans body.
It wasn’t until I saw a community grieve.
Something was built up in me. I disconnected my heart strings, replacing them with boundaries and taped wires that would only allow for a few electronic waves to pass through to my soul.
I didn’t realize I did this until today, when I had to answer that question.
I was troubled by my sub-conscious brain – it had pulled away.
Why?
My heart is calloused – similar to the ones on the souls of my feet. Thicker skin creates a difficulty for sharp items to penetrate – leading to a “stone wall” for pain.
When in reality, the brain is receiving every pulsating stigma and my heart is desperately trying to retain.
You see, this life that I am living – its like being blasted in the face by a fire hose. You can’t possibly retain it all and that causes me anxiety.
I want to feel the Father’s heart in these crazy emasculate situations. I want to cry with the sad. I want to laugh with the joyful. I want to understand the frustration in the angry.
But how how can I juggle all these balls at once while being pelted in the face by grapes?! It stresses me out trying to catch them all with my teeth and eventually digesting them to retain Vitamins A, B and C.
However, I am missing the point when I focus on getting everything into the chambers of my heart.
Jesus is the Gardner. His hands are the ones that ultimately plant and weed things into the soil of my garden. When I try to choose which plants should be planted, or what flowers should blossom, or even what weeds shall be pulled, I am doing myself a disservice because I am taking the control.
If there is one thing that I have learned, it’s that I cannot do a better job than Jesus can. There is no point for me to stress out or to retain anxiety about my growth or lack thereof.
Jesus is going to let me feel His heart by nature. Through His bloodline, I have eternal access to His majesty, His power, His wisdom and His Helper.
Don’t let your fire hydrant blast the flesh off your face by psycho analyzing the things that you are repelling or accepting.
Rather, enjoy the river that He has placed you in and let Him lead you away into the realm where He has made a bed for you to rest and grow in.
