“But He knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I should come out as pure gold.”
Job 23:10
Dearest Friends, Family, and Readers, I’m gonna jump straight into the nitty gritty right here cause this post is going to be hard for me and very, very raw.
To be honest, I have been trying to run away from blogging. Everything in me does not want to expose the bone, and let it be out in the open. But exposing and being real is going to help me heal and grow me immensely in the area of being vulnerable.
Can I just say that it is a completely foreign idea for me to share with others the hardships and struggles that happen in my life – To genuinely expose the darkness. I don’t want to do that at all & I’m not sure if anyone really does want to reveal their struggles or weaknesses either.
I like people to think that I have it all together – that I am emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically okay. Of course there are times in life where all of those things are rollin together ever so sweetly and you feel like you are on top of the world.
But what happens to the times when things aren’t so sweet?
When things are really sour, difficult to swallow and completely earth shattering to you as a mere human being? How do you show that you are hurting? How do you display to the people around you that you need prayer….BIG time? Why would people want to join me in my hardships? It is just utterly mind blowing to me, that it is healthy to share things that are hard for you.
But I am deciding to take a huge step of faith and let you all in on whats going on. Because you are family. You are supporters. You are Friends. But most importantly you are my brothers and sisters in Christ and bro’s and sissy’s love, pray and support one another on top of the peaks and in the deepest valley’s.
With that being said, here’s the gnarly rawness that I need major prayer over.
I am deeply struggling.
You know when you hear people say that they are just trying to keep their head above water, you might think to yourself, ‘Dang, that is a bummer. Maybe I’ll pray for them’ and then maybe move on by thanking God that you are fellin’ pampered, loved, and just all neat and put together.
Well I am not just trying to keep my head above the water….I am fighting to swim back up to surface while battling the fallen world that’s trying to yank me down to the depths of the bloody ocean. I’m swimming with 50 pounds of weight tied to my ankles, searching desperately for the key to release me from the chains, all awhile flesh eating sharks are swarming me and snapping to bite me at any chance they get.
Let me expose it a step deeper.
Deeper than a metaphor because to me that is still masking the pain…..Just being honest guys.
The 50 lbs of weight: The underlying thought in my brain that tells me that I must be perfectly put together and completely sanctified and righteous before I go out on mission. That I cannot be broken one bit. That I must have all the wounds in my heart neatly sewn up, cleaned, and healed all before I step out on the mission field. Obviously this is satan taunting me, but he is darn tootin’ good at it.
Chains: Sins, transgressions, denial, pressure, expectations, worries, and addictions.
Sharks: Satan using traumatic events to make me feel like I am falling apart at the seems and in the depths of my being. It sounds weird and I’m not quite sure if that makes sense, but it’s real. Traumatic events would include loosing relationships or people that are close to you, every idea you’ve ever had of what a family looks like, vanishing right before your eyes and then being completely stripped of your identity in the world and what you thought of yourself.
Loss + Divorce + pressure + transition + being broken down and forced to look at old wounds = Sharks biting and blood ooozzzzinng.
The sensation of Sinking: When you combine your own insecurities, lies, weaknesses, wounds, and hurt with life events that can shatter you or blow your brain up, you get a feeling of drowning. It is a sense of hopelessness and deep sadness when you realize that you aren’t doing great….that you are actually feeling the pain in your life.
I know that God loves me deeply, that He must trust me enough to be Faithful to Him through pain, and that it is considered an honor to be in hardship with Jesus because you are being pruned and redefined in Him. Maybe I am being tested in this day to day life in order to prepare for the harder days to come.
However, I am struggling to grasp something.
I am struggling to see through the pain and into God’s heart.
I can’t feel Him everyday like I used to and now it’s getting harder and harder for me to remember His presence. NOTHING breaks me down more than this feeling.
It feels like I can’t taste anymore.
Which leads me to…..
The Lollipop Theory.
You have a favorite sucker and a favorite flavor. You have it so much that you know exactly what it tastes like, its texture, its color, smell, ect. But then, you get sick, or maybe your nose gets stuffed from allergies, and you can’t taste your favorite sucker anymore, even though you know in your head what it’s supposed to taste like.
My head knows that God will bring me out of this and that I will be able to taste the sweetness of life with Him again. My head knows that the hardship, pain, exhaustion, sadness, and strain will be trimmed and left for compost.
My head knows that it is okay to be tested because I am being refined and growing leaps and bounds. My head knows that it is an honor to be trusted by God in hardship and an honor to help carry the cross.
But my heart is not connecting on the same level. My heart is confused, lost and wandering around trying to pick up all the pieces that are being so aggressively scattered. My heart is scared of the unknown and being stuffed up with all these allergies.
And most importantly my Heart is earnestly seeking to feel him again.
Now, I find myself trying to over come my allergies, blow my nose to get all the snot out, throwing the tissue in the garbage and then trying desperately to taste again.
So guys, I guess what this post is all about is just being honest & transparent with you -that I don’t always have it all together but rather, I am hurting and trying to learn, grow, and move forward with strength and joy.
But I cannot do it alone.
I refuse to believe that it is possible to do this without my community – without your prayers.
I need your prayers over my discernment, understanding, joy, growth and heart. Prayers over my family and prayers for COMPLETE HEALING. Then finally, I need prayers that I would be able to connect my heart with my mind; that I would be able to taste again and reach the surface of the waves with Joy, Strength, and a deeper understanding.
I love you all.
Thank you for taking your time to read whats been on my heart and what I have been processing the past couple of weeks. Thank you for being open to read through it and for being accepting of me. 🙂
With Joy and BIG LOVE,
Gretchen 🙂
PS: the lollipop theory was shared with me by my one of my dearest friends, Patty Hughes. Thank you Patty for consistently being there for me no matter the season we walk through! I am honored to be your Sister! You have a special place in my heart! 🙂
