I am broken…Broken from the sins of my past and sins I am still very much still in the midst of. I know that the Lord has already won the War over sin but the war within my heart has left my physical and mental being broken, disappointed, lonely, and meager…I began my drift off a righteous path at the age of 16. What could I have possibly been longing for that seemed so appealing? Just a 16 year old Greg looking for answers as to where I belonged, what did I have to offer the world, what did I stand for…As I have matured and reflected on my life and actions I have realized that some of my sinful nature stemmed from depths much earlier than my first unrighteous act. At age 11 my mother was taken away from me..She died 9 days before Christmas from melanoma. I was the world's biggest mama's boy, her the world's most amazing mother. Her passing has been a blessing in disguise as I have understood much of my development into the person I am today stems from what God allowed to happen just over 10 years ago. Notice I said God allowed, he didn't put me through anything as a test or punishment, no he called my mother home to him and believe me she instilled enough love in me to be passed down to my great grandchildren.
The day I found out all was not well with my mother my brother in law and I found her in her bathroom half way home. I am very thankful that she was not successful in taking her life that summer morning. The remaining months of her life were very memorable and I honestly feel I experienced more emotion than some people do in a lifetime as those precious moments passed us by. By December of my 6th grade year my mother was gone.
Luckily for myself I have a very loving and supporting step mother and father. I was taken in and went along my school year as if all was taken in stride. What I know now is that a sinful seed was planted. As the years past and I aged I began to act as if losing my mother was all I could handle. There was no way no how any other woman would ever get as close to my heart as her. My acts were unsanctified and downright unjustifiable. By age 16 I began looking for attention and intimacy in all the wrong places. I had great relationships with girls, some who still stand by my side as friends to this day..Most of the time I squandered there understanding and care with my selfishness and insecurities.
To this very day I think back to my brokenness and just how my acts have contributed to the struggles of brothers and sisters in Christ. After all we are all one body of Christ. I felt as if I was in despair beyond repair. I had been baptized after all, when I was 11, months before my mother had passed and this is how I chose to show God that I was his loyal servant?
As I look ahead to my race I am leery of my mindset. When I first became interested in the race I thought to myself "hmm 11 months of pursuing an intentional and personal relationship with Christ! sounds like just what I need if I am going to ensure I become pruned of my worldly desires and live up to the titles God has laid out for myself…father, husband, man of God." What I have realized in life is as soon as you set your heart and mind on the Lord brace yourself because the devil is going to throw everything in the kitchen sink at ya to get your focus back on your selfish ways. It is in these times I catch myself half-jokingly wishing, wondering, thinking, what my life would be like if my struggle was something else..What if I was a gossip? An alcoholic? a liar? Maybe God should have made me outright uncharming and ugly so that I would have more obstacles between sin and myself? Can you imagine the nerve I have asking these things?? God has molded me, knitted me in my mother’s womb into the exact specifications HE chose for me to further his Kingdom and I ask him "You sure about that?"
What I get from my brokenness is that God will use me in my brokenness. I do not have to leave his Presence and return when I am fixed and overcome. I can reach out my hand and feel his embrace and know that he is guiding my steps, even my missteps and will Love me unconditionally through it all. I have by no means an ok from God to sin but I do have his unconditional love and acceptance. I think the most daunting part of my struggles is the part where I ask myself "Maybe I can be holy and dedicated to his ways for a few months, few years even, but can I keep it up forever?" You know what, with God not only is anything possible but we were not made to be perfect, we all have sinned but together with my future brothers and sisters on the race I will aim to develop relationships where I can come broken and all and share my brokenness as a means to glorify God and all his mighty sovereign power. The Lord has won the fight against sin and I sure as heck am not going to surrender my heart to anyone other than his Majesty. Broken and all I will follow his footsteps.
1 Corinthians 4:
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
