Father guide my thoughts as I just type out what comes to
mind and what I feel right now. I feel
as though I have been living a life that isn’t mine. I know who I am and yet I am not that. I want to live with incredible joy as I know
that I am a son of God and that I have my inheritance with Christ and yet no
matter how hard I try to have joy I just can’t seem to muster it up. God I need You.
I feel as though You have been starting a process in me
over the last week, and I feel like there is a huge break through but I still
don’t know how to get there. I think it
started when I heard a frien talking about her wedding day and her wanting to
do a performance for her soon to be husband. She is scared to do so because she doesn’t know how to do what she wants
to do but knows it would bring great joy to her fiance. I remember when I was dating a girl and how I
would often do things for her, even if it was scary because I wanted her to be
happy and to find joy, so there wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for her. Then I felt sad because I started thinking I
haven’t felt that way in a long time, not for any person, nor even with God, my
only True Love. I started asking You
what I could do for you that would make you happy. I was thinking about making you something
like a drawing or painting but then I heard you say “feed my sheep” and it
brought me back to the fact that I have been doing things out of obligation
instead of wanting to do things because I wanted to do them for you.
I have felt that I didn’t want to do so many different
ministries but agreed to do them just out of obligation and it turned into a
show and not really having any heart behind it. I am sorry. I want to do things
for you, not because you ask me to but because I love you and I want to make
you happy. If I am your bride, I ought
to love you and love means doing things because it brings delight in doing them
for you because I know you love it. It
ought to be my desire to make you happy, because I love to see you happy and
excited. I have taken the focus off you
and put it on myself. I have been asking
what do I love, what brings me joy and in doing so, I find that nothing without
you can truly bring me joy. Things that I
used to love like playing with kids, spending time hiking, meeting new people,
even sharing with people about God, all these things that I loved to do, as
good as they are, were not bringing about the joy that they used to give
me. I did them because I thought they
filled me up. They only filled me up
because You gave me the passion for them and without doing them for you, they
were only meaningless.
