My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don’t really do that anymore, after going through so many philosophy classes I have heard the greatest arguments in history, and they pale in comparison to my God. The finite mind puts my infinite God in a box, and it is almost insulting. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don’t believe in God and they can prove He doesn’t exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it’s about who is smarter, and honestly I don’t care anymore. I am done with this childish game, and I don’t believe I will ever walk away from God for intellectual reasons.
I was struggling with a mixture of things: comparison, accepting/understanding grace, and being weak. I imagine many of us have been on those week or two week long mission trips with youth groups or organizations. These short term mission trips that partner with long term ministry organizations are absolutely beautiful and aid in a glorious way to the advancement of God’s kingdom, but let’s be honest, these week or 2 week long mission trips are pretty easy to do with our own energy. While we may look to God for strength in these times, we are not dependent upon Him, we are not poor in spirit. And it was with this mindset that I unknowingly took on the World Race with, the mindset that says, “I shouldn’t do anything without Him”, not “I can’t do anything without Him.” And it was this mindset that almost killed me.
After living in the most intense conditions in India that required me to wake up at 7 and preach the gospel till 11 at night, day in and day out, every single day for a month, I had no energy left as I entered into Nepal. I then got to climb Himalaya Mountains and more or less do the exact same thing, but this time I was running on an empty tank. I felt the weight of the world fall upon me, the World Race had become a BURDEN. Not only did was I spiritually empty, but within 40 days I had lost 20 pounds, I dropped from weighing 165 lbs to 145 lbs in less than 2 months. So when I say I had no strength left, I HAD NO STRENGTH LEFT!
So halfway through Nepal I felt compelled to step up my game as a spiritual leader, but my Well was empty of water, I was so weak. Still, out of my own pride I attempted to do it myself and I failed miserably. As I failed I felt that I had failed my team, those supporting me back home, the nations, and God. I started comparing myself to the other men on my squad and the enemy used this comparison to destroy me. I felt inferior, I felt less manly, I felt pathetic, and it exhausted me. So I did what any other American man would do, I sucked it up and attempted to rely on “my strength” even more. Needless to say, as I relied more on myself the closer I came to death. Though I understood that God wanted nothing in return, I could not communicate this fact to my heart, and my life was something like torture. I guess the problem was that I loved to give charity, but I didn’t want to be charity. This is why I had a trouble with His grace.
Then on day 50 of the race, (I journal and mark the days), I legitimately fell flat on my face and started crying, and crying, and crying, and continued to cry. I started shouting through my tears, “MY GOD, I LOVE YOU BUT I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE! I FEEL SO WEAK AND INSAGNIFICANT, BUT I LOVE YOU! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME!” Right then, I kid you not, I heard this, “My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness. Now that you understand in your heart how insignificant you are, now that you are no longer capable of doing anything, I will rest my power upon you. Now rise, for my grace is all you need. Even when you fail, my grace is sufficient. Walk in this, walk in authority, for I am with you.” Man oh man, I thought I was crying before, but the flood gates just opened up after I heard this.
He was right, I had and still have nothing left! But it’s okay for I am accepted by Him regardless. I have never felt so weak in my life, I seriously need Him for everything. I am weak, but now I am strong for Christ is resting on me! I am Grayson, His son, warrior, child, loved one, accepted, chosen, destined, a saint, and victorious in Him who was weak, crucified, and resurrected; the redeemer of my soul for He is the one and only God who is resting upon my weak body promising the miracles and greatness of Heaven! I am finally broken, but I am truly and legitimately experiencing miraculous events for this first time in my life! Every day I now pray this simple prayer from my heart when I wake up, “Lower me still God, lower still. Amen.”
In the end I have to say accepting God’s kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love.
AMEN
