With each step I took, I could feel myself getting smaller and smaller. It was time. I had to do the thing I had been putting off for so long. I had to talk to God. We had been in Nicaragua for about a week and I was spiritually stalled. I was helping build a church! We were doing construction to help build schools in a poor community, and doing feeding programs for kids who are raised with almost nothing. Yet I felt off. I felt alone. As I crossed through the door way into the prayer room I immediately broke down. Minutes were passing as I sat in Gods presence silently releasing all that was in me through my tears. “God?” I say hesitantly “I feel like a little kid at school. I feel like if I truly share my heart with you, all you’ll see is a disappointment.” I began to rant. I told him I didn’t know how he truly felt about me. I told him I wasn’t sure if everything I knew about Him was all in my head or if it was true. I told him I was done. I was done trying. I can’t get over the wall that’s in my way. I can’t break my habits that have bred into me for so long. I sat there waiting for my punishment for what seemed like forever. What was he gonna say to me? Was He going to tell me how disappointed he was in me? Was he going to tell me all the areas I was failing?
The response I received was completely opposite. As I sat seemingly all alone in the prayer room, he covered me with His presence. I felt the arms of God surround me and hold me in my grief. He told me it was ok. That he knew I couldn’t do it. He knew that I was failing and he knew I couldn’t cross the gulf that had come between us. “But I can.” He told me, “let me fill you.” He didn’t turn me away. He didn’t tell me I was nothing. He didn’t walk away when things got ugly. He just told me to be empty.
I’m so used to filling up my own gas tank. Using my own hard earned money. Taking time to drive out of the way to go to the gas station. Trying to be everything to everyone around me. Trying to share love with everyone I pass on the streets. Trying to give wisdom and be there for people I love, in my own power. One of the small delights of letting my Daddy use my car is the surprise of him filling my tank for me. Theres nothing quite like getting in your car thinking you are going to have to fill your tank and looking and seeing that little dial on full. I can tell you another thing, I know for a fact my Dad loves doing that for me. This is exactly what God was telling me to let Him do. Instead of always trying to take control and do things fueled by my own strength, I’m learning to run on empty. My tank has never been more full.
