In my previous blog I mention Peter and the story of Jesus calling him to step out of the boat and walk on the water in the middle of a storm and how that’s what I felt like God was calling me to do. Peter has never really been a relatable person in the Bible to me until now. Christ LITERALLY asked him to do something that was impossible. Well now I can say I’ve felt that.
I’ll start from where my Peter story began. 3 weeks before launch my mom underwent surgery to have a pace maker put in. She has had weak valves since she was young and has already had two replaced. The surgery went smoothly and everything was happening as planned. One week to launch I was packed, busy as heck, and ready to go. Mom was having trouble breathing. This was a little new. My parents, my best friend, & I drove to Georgia to spend a couple days there before launch. Then mom started feeling weak and light headed. She could barely walk from the bed to the shower in the hotel and was never hungry. My worry level continuously rising. She had almost zero strength to stand. We decided then that when they got home they would go straight to the hospital. I then said my hardest goodbyes and walked away from three people who mean the world to me. I had my foot out of the boat, looking up at my God while all around me the waves and lightning were starting. My storm was brewing.
Monday morning was a jam packed launch filled day. For those of you who have never experienced the World Race atmosphere it’s definitely something. Basically we are a group of weirdos who are all comfortable in our weirdness & who draw out the weirdness in those around us. If you can picture what that looks like that’s pretty much launch. I was definitely excited to be surrounded by these people. Each of them have my heart & the community we have is incredible.
Then a wave overcame me & lightning struck and I took my eyes off the Lord and onto my storm. I received a text from my Dad saying mom had been admitted to ICU and wasn’t doing great. Her valve looked really damaged, her blood was way too thin, and she had been retaining water in her stomach. I don’t know that I really can provide an accurate description for how I felt. Maybe a mixture of why now? Why this? What should I do? What can I do? What if… What if…. What if….
That whole day was a blur. I remember tears. I remember pain. I remember confusion. All I saw was the storm.
The next day we found out Mom needed open heart surgery. Her valve was barely functioning and another one was leaking. It was at this point where just like Peter I was sinking. I had no breath. The water overcame me & I was starting to drown. I wanted to go home. I wanted mom to feel safe. I wanted my family. I was drowning and I couldn’t see anything but the water.
If I could remember a specific moment where God grabbed my hand and pulled me up I would describe it. But I feel, as with most times of despair and panic, it all happened so fast. All the sudden I could breathe. All the sudden I saw God. All the sudden I had peace. I was doing the impossible. I was walking on water.
My strength came to me in my weakness and that’s when I saw that it wasn’t mine at all. It was Gods. His strength was perfect when my strength was gone.
If I said my walk on water was pretty and full of grace I’d be lying. Coming through it I probably looked like a water logged pirate that hadn’t eaten in a month. But He brought me through it.
I think sometimes people are too hard on Peter when reading that story. How could he not look at the storm around him? It was his reality. He was human. But it is in those moments of the impossible that God works. It’s in those moments where we receive undeniable faith. It’s in those moments when we realize that anything we are is because of him. It’s in those moments that even when your circumstances are overwhelming and the waves begin to drown you that you realize it’s not about the storm. It’s how you let God use the storm.
There is a line in a song I love that has been a huge reminder to me. “If your eyes are on the storm you’ll wonder if I love you still, but if your eyes are on the cross you know I always have and I always will.”
Don’t be hard on yourself if your time of walking on the water isn’t pretty. Just remember your strength to accomplish the task is from someone who would never let you drown.
