“This is my teammate, Grace. She’s practicing a day of silence today.” I smiled brightly as my teammate Ashley introduced me to the tourist she was chatting with. This was only one of the many times I had felt completely helpless that day. I had wondered if I should even come over and “join the conversation” if I wasn’t speaking. I’m so glad I did.
My decision to not speak for a day was the result of much thought and deliberation. I spend so much of my days seeking to control the events around me, and I wondered what it would be like to place myself in a place where I had to depend on others. A fast of control so to speak. Several times in my prayer time I had felt as if God wasn’t speaking. I knew that it was probably not that He wasn’t speaking but that I wasn’t listening. It was then that I decided to spend a day listening to God.
It didn’t take people long to figure out I was taking a day of silence. It required a lot of patience on everyone’s part as I pantomimed my way through the day. I felt as if I was stuck in the second round of a game of fishbowl.
It wasn’t very far into the day when I realized that God was trying to talk to me about a secret addiction that I didn’t even know I had. I’m addicted to performance. Yep, performance. It’s a secret addiction covered up by nice names like “helping”, “giving”, or even “serving.” But the truth is, I only feel like I’m valuable if I’m doing something for someone else. My self-worth is held by a balance that says as long as helping others has outweighed doing for self then I have value. Emotional stability is guaranteed as long as I have lived up to the “standard” I have set for myself, but when I don’t feel I have been “productive” enough for the day the result is a minor form of depression and anxiety. In reality, this is a false humility…. little more than a mix of pride, entitlement, and control that has rooted itself in my life.
The great thing about silence is that you can only “do” so much without talking. You’re forced to simply “be.” Throughout the day I started to recognize that I was worth more than just what I could “do” for other people. You see, when you’re silent you can’t say “thank you”, affirm others, defend yourself, impress others with how smart you are, impart any profound wisdom you might possibly have, or make people laugh with your funny jokes. And in these moments you find out your intrinsic value lies simply in the fact that you are a child of the living God and His Spirit is inside of you.
The tourist stared openly at me. I didn’t blame him. I knew it sounded crazy. I smiled and listened as Ashley politely inquired about his faith. “I’m an atheist.” His eyes kept coming back to mine and his gaze was increasing in intensity every time. The more the tension, the more my smile beamed. We parted ways never having conversed, but I truly believe more was spoken in those few minutes than anything I could have ever said.
“Wherever you go, preach the gospel; and if necessary, use words.” -St. Francis of Assisi
