Here’s a rundown of our weekend, as from my perspective.
Friday, we went to door-to-door to tell people about a
revival service set in the local soccer field. As I traipsed up and down the
hills of Guatemala, I had significant flashbacks of door-to-door ministry in
Uganda. I wondered, as I often do, How
the heck did I get here? What choices did I make over the last few years
that led to this crazy life of doing something unique nearly every day, of
meeting different people in different neighborhoods and telling them about
Jesus, of prayers and praying for healing, and stepping out in faith constantly,
trusting God would show up? These moments occur about once every month,
sometimes more, and usually trigger much soul-searching.
Saturday night rolled around, the second of the revival
service. It rained, a lot, again, all over the people. This time, however, we
took refuge in the good ol’ Panel Van. The kids this night were a little
loopier-very affectionate, with a huge desire for attention. I reached a
breaking point.
Why am I even doing this? Why haven’t I been able to feel
God lately? This looks nothing like I wanted it to, and how much of that is my
unrealistic expectations and how much of that has been not fighting for it more
or better?
For the first time in awhile, I uttered these fears and
doubts and questions out loud to one of my girls. I knew she wouldn’t judge me,
but I figured she’d maybe pray and then we’d move on. Instead, she pointed some
things out and affirmed my leadership.
Something I’ve struggled with is not being able to
effectively minister to and disciple 15 girls. While the Lord released that
burden off of me long ago, I still feel guilty sometimes about spending more
time with a few of them than with all of them. Instead, she pointed out that
even though I don’t have time to have hours each day with each girl, when I do
speak encouragement, it usually is short and to the point. She also pointed out
that God has grown me in my ability to be confrontational-not in an aggressive
way but in a way that does fight for the welfare of our team and not just let
the waves crash all over us.
Needless to say, I was shocked because usually people just
tell me when I’m not doing things well and let the little good things go unnoticed.
Here were two of my girls, who had noticed the little things and were willing
to tell me. It was encouraging and motivating and I was blessed by them.
However, the feeling of just wanting to be done wouldn’t
leave. I know we still have six weeks and I want to make the most of them, but
I just needed a break.
And the Lord heard the cry of my heart. Yesterday, Sunday,
we got a day off. A true day off, with no responsibilities, no expectations of
ministry, just a time of renewal and fellowship.
And speaking of fellowship, where we went was a river
straight out of a movie-think of a mix of Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park and
Avatar. There were vines hanging down over eroded sandstone cliffs, and monkeys
in the trees. Though the current was strong, a group of us fought against it
and went as far as we could up the river, clinging to rocks and swimming as
strong and as fast as we could go. It was stunning-we were the only people
around.
As I floated back down the river, I thought, wow God. Good work. This is so magnificent,
your creation is so glorious, and you gave it to us today, just to revel in and
explore-just like you give us you.
Then lunch was incredible-carne asada and pollo grilled on
an actual grill, beans on bread, macaroni-potato-egg salad (yup, all three in
one-that’s how they do in Guatemala), and pineapple for dessert.
After lunch, I enjoyed some coffee and a book. It was so
nice just to lay out on the grass (despite mosquitoes), listen to the river
rolling by, and read. To be by myself (granted, everyone else was around, but I
was in my own world) for a few hours to just BE. To read a fiction book, to
enjoy a cup of coffee and God’s creation, and to just BE. It was a sweet balm
to my soul to just enjoy life without any worries, fears or frustrations.
Granted, I know I should live that way all the time, but it is so hard. So to
have a day where someone else was taking care of EVERYTHING was incredible.
And while today my body is sore from the upriver swimming,
it is a reminder of how awesome yesterday was, and how blessed I am.
PS-The reason we were able to enjoy this day of rest and fun
at the river was because of an amazing couple that our Pastor knows. Their
heart is to bless and love on pastors and missionaries, and they wanted to
bless us. We didn’t do anything to deserve it, they just wanted to bless us out
of their own blessing. It was so nice. As a missionary, I frequently feel like
I have to do all the blessing//God does the blessing through me. So to simply
be blessed was incredible.
Well there’s the weekend update.(And these pictures, while nice, really do not do it justice. It was literally something right out of National Geographic or a movie…)
