“Life’s a fight of wrong and right, and it’s
tearing me apart. Oh but what the cross has done. Yeah the world will try to
battle for my heart, but the war’s already won.”
I took an hour this morning to re-read some of my previous
blogs, mainly from the race. I marveled at what I wrote, in terms of the truth
I was claiming over myself. I noticed how the months that tended to be drier
were less soaked in truth and grace and more in a perpetual sense of “why am I
not good enough?” Of being so honest in my failings that I forgot to celebrate
the victories. Because there were victories. I think mostly of my time in
Africa… I was so done day 10 in Kenya… I had snotted and cried and complained
to anyone who would listen about how homesick I was, how I couldn’t believe we
still had six months, etc etc. BUT I DIDN’T GIVE UP. I sure as heck didn’t feel
like a warrior, but I wouldn’t give in to my own desires. I knew God had called
me and even though I didn’t know how to fight, and even though I wanted to sit
down (both on a toilet and metaphorically…), I kept trying to stand.
But I made it. I didn’t believe it, when it was over, that I
had done it, that I had lived three months in Africa and somehow, in spite of
all my stuff, still made something of an impact. Probably not what would have
happened if I could have just stood in the victory that’s already been won… but
now that’s getting ahead of the story.
I was reminded this morning of how far I went in the last
three months of the race. I learned how to stand, how to walk in my identity,
how to do life as ministry. I learned it wasn’t about numbers of people
accepting the gospel but about how I portrayed the gospel through the way I
loved my team and contacts. I also realized this had to do more with the people
I was with than where I was or what I was doing. My team was stirred into a new
level of action in Romania and that propelled us for the last two months of the
race. People called out the greatness in us, which inspired us to call out the
greatness of ourselves and each other. We started believing and walking in this
greatness, and all of a sudden, something clicked.
And then I came home.
Home. This promised land of flowing water and flushing
toilets, of Diet Coke and Starbucks, of big beds and big couches, of family,
friends, and comfort. While the warning “God cares more about your character
than your comfort” had been my mantra for much of the race, I was enveloped in
comfort, in ease, in rest that rapidly devolved into laziness. With no one in
my day to day life to remind me of who I am, what God did, and how He still has
plans for me, the days of rest slipped into weeks of apathy, until finally one
day I got an e-mail from the World Race, asking for leaders to lead summer
trips.
I knew I wasn’t okay. I knew this wasn’t the life God had
been calling me to on the race. I knew under the guise of “life as ministry” I
had let the truth I had fought for on the race slip away, leaving me feeling
unmotivated and empty. So I figured, why not? Take a step forward, if you get
it, God’s opened the door, if not, at least you are moving. It is easier to
steer a moving car than a parked one. (Yesterday in my devotional this metaphor
was there, along with this idea that Paul’s commitment to the lifestyle of
going put him in the place to hear the specific directions God had for him.
This is key.)
A few weeks later, I was accepted to lead an Ambassador Trip
to the Amazon Jungle. Talk about
character over comfort. Sleeping pads, bucket showers (or river-bathing), pit
toilets, and a whole lot of things that bite (snakes, spiders, tarantulas,
horseflies and of course, mosquitoes). But I said, Yes, sounds good.
Fast forward two and a half months and I am in Gainesville,
GA for leader training. I met Alana and Rich, my co-leaders, and we bonded
pretty much instantly. Our mutual loves of Jesus, ice cream and music were
enough to solidify an understanding that this was going to be an epic trip. As
we learned and laughed together, I firmly understood God had set us up for
success and I was so excited. Through different sessions of teaching and
worship, things that had sat dormant in me for the last seven months began to
rise up to the surface. This idea of being a fighter, of being a warrior, of
knowing God had called me to this time and purpose, gave me such passion and
excitement for the month ahead.
In my devotional during leader training, I read about this
idea of fighting from victory. We know the war is already won. We know that
Jesus died for our sins but was also resurrected into life everlasting. WE KNOW
that when we invite Christ into our lives, we become one with Christ, both
dying to sing and being raised into the resurrection life.
But so often we stay on the side of the cross where we are
weeping for the loss of Christ and out of our own sinfulness. We forget the
veil is torn now, that we are invited in to be co-heirs with Christ, to be
hidden in Christ, to be wrapped in our Loving Father’s arms. That while the
pursuit of righteousness is still necessary, it now comes from an understanding
of whose we are.
If we could learn to live out of our identity in Christ
instead of our inferiorities, we would learn to stand in victory, knowing God
has given us what we need to fight for Him. One of the key passages for this
trip, at least for me, was Ephesians 6:10-20. It is the Armor of God. I knew
the importance of the armor of God, I had gotten into the habit of praying it
on myself every day, to stand firm in the victory of the Lord, but it wasn’t
until a few weeks ago that I started to understand-this is God’s armor. Like
the same that He uses to fight with, He is inviting us to partake in, to wear,
to adopt His shield of faith as our own. To wield His word as our sword. To
stand firm in His truth, and righteousness and peace. To wear the Helmet of
Salvation. If this doesn’t rock your world…I’m not sure what will.
“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the
day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have
done everything, to stand.” I did some
Bible Dictionary searching in Barnes and Noble the other day. The word to stand here indicates an idea of
steadfastness, of standing firm no matter what is thrown at you, and continuing
to fight from victory, assured of the ultimate outcome, walking in the
authority that comes from being a co-heir in Christ.
“Life’s a fight of wrong and right, and it’s
tearing me apart. Oh but what the cross has done. Yeah the world will try to
battle for my heart, but the war’s already won.” (Battle by Chris August)
Through the cross, we are victorious. It is the daily choice of living
in that victory. I learned a lot the last month, but this is an idea God has
been trying to drive through my stubborn, broken self for awhile now, and I am
finally starting to get it. Not a victim of circumstance, but a victor over
circumstance. Not an apathetic person floating along, but a convicted person
walking in the knowledge of the calling God has on my life, and actively
pursuing that as the Spirit leads.
