There have been things that I’ve hear over and over in my life that I know in my mind, but have come to realize not always to I take those things to heart.
When we were in Hyderabad, India, we left debrief in different teams. I was very caught off guard by that fact and took it kind of hard. Although being very excited about Charles and Alison, I felt like Justin and Tiff were taken away from us with no way to prepare for the shock of it. When we made it to the Kathmandu as a new team, I felt a lot of peace about it, but something in ME was still off. I had a breakthrough of making a step unto faith and really feeling God’s presence one night by myself on the porch of our house. Then it started…I got sick the first week here, then insecurities started coming out again that I thought I dealt with in Thailand, then I started having those sins of the heart like anger, bitterness, comparison, all of it. My desire for more with God was still there, but I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I didn’t feel like ME! I sat down with Charles and just talked for a while about where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically…and in our talk, I feel like it instantly occurred to me that God’s GRACE has been something that I’ve been told but it goes in one ear and out the other. I know that I’m my own worst enemy and I beat myself up about the most trivial things in life, but I realized that night that I don’t have to be “good enough” for me and God to be close. I knew that I had been reading my Bible searching for things that God was telling me so that I could be a better person for Him…but I forgot the fact that the Bible is NOT about me. I was bypassing learning God’s character, how He works, and who He is. Once I realized that my works come from know who God is and trusting Him to guide me is more important than anything. It makes me want to worship Him, praise Him, glorify HIM.
My attitude has been better since I’ve started to rest in the fact that God’s grace gives me room to mess up, to NOT be perfect, but also room to love Him without barrier. The book of Job was perfect for me to read, and James 1:2-4 reminds me that trials are meant to help us grow. All this month God has been pointing out to me that He is the reason why I live, and He has all power, but that He loves me just like I am.
I love my new team and love that God is molding me even when I don’t realize it. He’s shown me His glory a lot this month through nature. The clouds one day were the most beautiful I think I’ve ever seen them, huge and bilious over the river. I remembered how in Joshua they made monuments of rocks to remind them how God had provided and cared for them. So, this month is a monument in my heart (like Julie Lortz always says) and I can look back and remember how God provided and cared for me. How He is always working on me and I’m honored that He thinks so highly of me to want me to be more like Him.
