“I don’t trust you”.
I said the words in a rush, on a gasp for air, unable to understand how my ranting and raving had brought me here. But once those words were pulled from my lips it felt like everything stopped. I stopped pacing, I stopped crying, my heart felt like it had stopped beating. How could I not trust God?
I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a Christian home and learned Christian values. I was baptized at the age of nine and I always tried to stay true to the things I had learned in church. But I’d always felt like something was missing, something wasn’t there when I considered my faith and then looked at everyone else. It felt like there had to be more.
Our ministry in Thailand was hard. We were teaching preschool but none of us felt like were really accomplishing anything because the kids didn’t seem to be learning. It was blazing hot everyday, so sweat was pouring down our faces, and we lived in a community center so privacy and personal space didn’t really exist. All these things combined to bring me to a day near the end of the month where I just couldn’t bring myself to walk down those stairs and teach those wild and crazy children. Instead I went and sat in and empty classroom and what started as a simple and quick journaling session somehow turned into a full on rant session with the Lord. Tears were pouring down my face and words were pouring out even faster.
When I decided to apply for the race it was because I had felt like God was asking for more from me in my faith, but as I sat in that classroom I realized that God was’t the only one looking for more. I was too. I was searching for whatever it is that makes Christians joy-filled even in the hardest situations, whatever it is that fills their lives with an unexplainable peace that everything will work out. I wanted to feel those things deep down in my soul and I hadn’t in America. So as I left to travel around the world for a year I was praying that God would show up and teach me.
When AIM prepares you for the race they tell you that at some point your heart is going to break in a way you have never experienced before. You will be faced with culture shock, overwhelming emotions, and you will have to walk through abandonment multiple times. This will lead you to a place where the only way you’ll be able to keep going is by trusting God.
Many of my squad mates had written blogs or told me about their experiences, but I hadn’t reached that point yet. Yes, I have experienced heartbreak many times on the race, but I hadn’t reached that point where I broke down and cried out because I had no other option but to turn to the Lord. In that classroom, sitting and sobbing, that was my breaking point.
I had spent the previous seven months trying to figure out what was missing from my relationship with God and in those moments I realized it was that I didn’t trust God like I said I did. I relied more on my own strength and wits to get out of problems than on God’s strength and wisdom. Finally knowing the obstacle that was holding me back from a true relationship with God was both relieving and kind of terrifying. I didn’t know what came next, what to do next. “How do I move past this?” was the question circling in my mind. I ended up moving past the fear of not knowing what to do and simply into relief. I finally knew a piece of the puzzle I had been trying to solve. And suddenly there was a peace that even though I didn’t trust the Lord the way I had always thought, and even if I didn’t know what came next it was all going to be okay. In my mind I changed the words that had broken me down: “I don’t trust You…but I’m ready for whatever comes next”. From those form little words I have now begun to walk in a new season with the Lord that has grown me in ways I never imagined. I’m still learning to give him control and trust him with everything but with each step I know he is preparing me for whatever is coming right around the corner.
