Right now the blogging challenge for us World Racers is to tell our story. Share with you how God has changed our lives and how He has revealed Himself to us on the Race. Well I haven’t left the U.S. yet but He has shown Himself to be mighty, powerful, good, and loving just through me being accepted and choosing to go on this trip. But let me back up a little and explain.
At this time three years ago I was a high senior who couldn’t wait to get out of Maine and leave everything behind. I wanted a clean break. I wanted to go somewhere that had no connections to anything back home, or at least no one from my high school that went there.
After a family dinner where we weighed the pros and cons of every school I finally picked one. Later that week I officially became a member of Elmira College’s incoming freshman class!
I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to go! Most of the people I knew had never even heard of Elmira and no one from my school went there or was planning to. And as icing on the cake this school had a 6-week term at the end of the year specifically geared towards studying abroad, which I had always wanted to do. It seemed like the perfect choice.
The rest of the year flew by and soon I found myself all packed and preparing to sit in the car for the 10-hour drive to upstate New York. The drive there and the goodbyes were uneventful. At that point I think I was ready for my parents to leave. The incoming freshman had a four day orientation before the upperclassmen arrived on campus. Giving us plenty of time to settle in.
The first day was spent walking downtown getting a tour of all Elmira City had to offer. While we were on the tour one of the guides jokingly mentioned not to go down a particular street because we would get mugged and possibly shot. I remember being kind of in shock after they said this wondering, “what have I gotten myself into” and “this isn’t like home at all”. Things sort of went downhill from there.
The day after we had our first classes. The professor was extremely blunt and also swore a lot. I did not cope well with yelling and at this point I think my nerves were already past their breaking point. I left that class and dissolved into tears. Uncontrollable sobbing that just wouldn’t stop. For the next few weeks I called my parents or someone else from home probably at least once every hour, maybe more. I would complain, whine, cry, and beg to come home. My friends at school didn’t have it any better. I would constantly be talking about how much I hated school and how I couldn’t wait to leave. I was awful company.This went on for three weeks. I went to see a counselor in the health center, but honestly I didn’t want to feel better if it meant I could go home. Everyone around me told me that things would get better if I just stuck it out.
I had managed to keep my emotions in check during classes and accomplish all of my homework, but on Monday morning of week 3 I lost it in the middle of class and had to leave. At that point my counselor decided that I wasn’t going to get better because I just didn’t want to put in the effort. At the end of that week I was back in the car headed home.
There have been times when I have greatly regretted that decision. Over the last few years there were situations I could have avoided if I had just stuck it out. Sometimes, as I look back and notice all the little things that pointed to God’s hand in my life during that time, I wonder if He’s angry with me for walking away and choosing what I thought was the easier road.
I was ashamed to talk about this time in my life. I had felt like I’d made the wrong choice and messed up. I didn’t want to be “the homesick girl”, or “the quitter”. But now I see that it was part of a plan that was much bigger than me. Since Elmira I have made many choices that have brought here, to the place where I am writing this blog. Leaving New York has caused a domino effect that I believe never would have occurred if I hadn’t made that choice. If I had stayed my life would have looked a lot different, and I don’t know if I would have grown in the same way and learned all that I have from this time in my life.
Withdrawing form Elmira was the easy option, maybe even a cowardly choice at the time, but now years later, I also see it as a growing experience. I have learned more about myself and about God from that one choice than from any other. So even though I still struggle with the regret sometimes, I know that through all of this God is working in me and using this to change me. This is one of the defining moments of my relationship with God and I will be forever grateful for it because it has brought me here. To a place where I am ready and willing to be used by my Father to share His love with the world.
