When I was younger people used to remark on how thin I was by saying I was “just skin and bones”. I never really thought about my weight at the time. I mean I understood what the were saying and I noticed that I was small, but it wasn’t something that I particularly paid attention to. At least until I got to high school.
My sophomore year of high school I joined the track team. I was a long distance runner and during the season I lost a few pounds and also gained quite a bit of muscle. And people noticed the difference. Not to say that I looked completely different and that I needed to lose weight to begin with, but I guess people saw that I looked in better shape than I did pre-track. I particularly remember that during this time a guy I liked started to pay attention to me and I thought he liked me too. After track season was over I stopped running and began to gain the weight back and lose the muscles I had gained from running so much. At the same time the guy seemed to lose interest in me.
Thinking logically about it now this probably had nothing to do with my weight or the way I looked, it was just something that happened. Unfortunately the Enemy used this situation to plant a seed of doubt in my mind that has been there ever since. However I didn’t even notice it was there until this past year.
Last summer I worked as a camp counselor. At the camp we get three meals a day that contain all the nutrients the kids need in order to have the energy to play all day. As a counselor I am supposed to provide the example by eating everything I am given, even if it’s not my favorite food. The summer prior to this I had no problem with that, this past summer something was different.
I can’t pinpoint exactly why or how it happened or what caused the change, but I began to eat less. At breakfast I would have a cup of coffee and maybe two or three bites of food and that was it. During lunch and dinner I would eat a bit more, but not much. The reason for this was because I felt that if I ate even just one more bite I would puke. I would feel sick just at the thought of eating another bite. These eating habits went on for most of the summer and I ended up losing 20 pounds in 5 weeks. And people noticed. Two of my dear friends who were also counselors asked me about what was going on. One of them even told me that at one point she thought I might’ve been anorexic.
Now, I do eat full meals and I don’t get that sick feeling in my stomach, but I am conscious of the way I look. I am not overly skinny and I am not doing this to become so, but the devil has woven this story in my head that people would like me better if I were skinnier, if I could fit into smaller clothes, or if I just looked better. He wants me to find my self worth in what others think of me, in the way that I look, instead of in the love that my Heavenly Father has for me just as I am.
The stories we tell ourselves about what people think of us are poison. They poison our thoughts, our relationships with others, and most importantly our relationship with God. This story I have been telling myself will not go away overnight. It will take work and me constantly coming back to the Father and remembering that I am His beautiful creation and nothing and no one can take that from me.
