This is a very personal blog for me to write, but it is what I am walking through and probably important for you who are reading.
This is about forgiveness and redemption. 3.2.1…
New year’s night was a willlld night. A group of my squadmates went to a party by the beach with fire shows, fireworks, and dancing in the new year. All was going great as the clock struck midnight. Then things got a little hairy. To bypass some personal info of the evening, there was a point when some of our girls were being hit on by some local Malaysians and partying tourists. Now the G Squad women are some of the most beautiful women in the world, so it is pretty easy to think that they would garner the attention of men, however, on this night, I was not going to allow it. There were at least 2 occasions that I believed things would end physically due to me preventing some of these men from their intentions with our girls. My mind was racing as I felt this old side of me revive in this “protection mode”. With the help of some teammates, we were able to get all the girls out and back home safely.
This is where the story starts.
I sat outside the hotel for a while to catch my thoughts on the evening with 2 of my squadmates. One asked me “Why did “gangster” Gabe come out?” As I started thinking about why I went to a place in my mind that required physical retaliation, the Lord showed me the root of it all. I began to weep at the revelation.
At the same time, my squad leader Micah is laying his head to get some sleep. As he does, he receives a vision of everything I am experiencing and have experienced in the past.
The next day I am called into a room with Micah and Sid. Micah delivers to me his vision and his interpretation, that I have “an anger problem”. Now, I wasn’t sure to believe the statement that I have an anger problem, but his vision was spot on so I thought to go along with his thought. “When was the first time you were angry?”, Micah asked. My answer was the same as the revelation that put me to tears; it was my parent’s divorce.
So here we go:
I was 13 years old when I was playing at my grandmother’s house one day. It must’ve been a weekend or summer time since I wasn’t in school. I remember my mom picking me up and telling me that my dad has some important information for me. We drove home in silence, very awkward for me since I was such a happy go-lucky kid. The weight of the room when I saw my father was palpable. Through his tears, he explained to me that he had not been faithful with my mom and that they were going to separate and divorce.
This rocked my world. My father was my hero and to see him in this place was inconceivable. Like the Joker killing Batman or Lex Luthor destroying Superman. Worse yet, I was told to keep my emotions in check, be strong for my mom and not tell my grandparents because it wasn’t the right time for them to know.
So there I am, a 13-year old making life decisions that I shouldn’t have to.
There are many parts of my parent’s divorce that I have grieved through, but this part was not one of them.
- I made a decision that I was not going to let any guy hurt my mom and my sister again.
- Leadership would ultimately fail me and could not be trusted.
Growing up I always fought off guys who were interested in my mom and my sister because I didn’t want them to be hurt. Thirteen years later, I find myself in a Malaysian party fighting off guys who are interested in my G Squad sisters.
Likewise, I always kept people in positions of leadership in my life at arms length, thinking that they would ultimately cross me in some way. Thirteen years later, I find myself questioning the leadership of others with a fear that they could not be trusted.
All these memories of brokenness flood my thoughts. Memories of my parents splitting, family members passing away, and times that I was lied to and let down. All I could think in the moment was why did I get such a raw deal in life? What did I do to deserve this? Where was God in all these moments? I had a vision where all these memories that defined the person I have become over the years were in pieces, scattered throughout the floor.
Everything in me wanted to pick them up. To put them back in the closet of my mind and never open the door again. However I couldn’t. It was no longer my burden to piece things back together. I was a 13-year old boy looking down at the brokenness and Jesus was with me. He wanted to walk through each moment with me.
I shared all this with a good friend, Christina Young, who asked me what does “13-year old” Gabe want? Through tears all I could muster out was “to be held, and told everything is going to be ok”. I never wanted to take on that responsibility of being the man of the house, to please both sides of the families with quality time during the holidays, and being the person running the child support checks back and forth. Having to be the tough guy all the time.
I cried for the first 3 days of the New Year. All I could think is how soft I am and how Miami will not let me back in!(jk J)
So on our travel day to our new ministry contact this month, in the midst of me having shattered memories all around, Jesus showed up in a big way.
On a Malaysian bus, Jesus gave me vision after vision of where He was when everything happened. Jesus embraced me in my room when I found out about my parents’ divorce. Jesus comforted me in the hospital when my grandfather passed away. Jesus had his arm around me when my grandmother passed away. Jesus heard my cries of frustration when leadership in my life failed me time after time. Jesus was with me in every moment and every season. Jesus is with me now. Jesus will be with me in the future and forever more.
I may never fully grieve all the effects of my parent’s divorce, but I finally feel peace and forgiveness towards my father and mother. If you are reading this, I’m sorry for holding it against you both for so many years and I desire a healthy relationship. I have a new peace about those put in leadership above me, that they are human and will make mistakes but will do the best they can; and I can trust that. Lastly, that it is not my responsibility to make sure my mom and sisters are not hurt by men. God is their comforter and not me. I cannot do the same things that He can and that’s ok.
Thanks for reading this and I hope you hear my heart in it all. In some ways, the last 14 years have been the actions of a 13-year old boy venting. I feel like I’m in a new place and more excited than ever to see the direction that God has for me in the future. Love you all!
