I Am Not My Hair

I’ve always been proud of my hair. I’ve experimented with different styles and colors, from blonde to pink to brunette. I’ve had hair that reached my butt and hair that stopped just below my chin. I would take hours to style it before big events and brushing it brought me pure joy. I loved how long and silky it was, with the perfect California beach wave. And now I have dreadlocks which are not particularly silky or sleek. Why the change?

 

It all started in South Africa, month 1. We met a dreaded family that lived just across the park and we loved them. One day just before we left the country, we went over and talked with the mom. We asked about her locks and spoke about Jesus. Somehow in the conversation, a joke of the idea that I should get dreadlocks came up. I went along with it and giggled with everyone else, but I knew there was no way I would be locking my hair. For one thing, they’re fuzzy. There is no flat ironing or brushing that can possibly occur. And I also believed that while some people can pull them off, I am not one of those people. I dismissed the idea and went to bed after conditioning and brushing my hair.

 

That night I had 3 separate nightmares that I had gotten dreadlocks. Yes, I said nightmares. I was terrified and awoke 3 times because of these experiences. In one, I had gotten dreadlocks and everyone thought I looked horrible. I became almost invisible to them and no one would talk to me. I walked through my dream world alone. In another, I had to shave off my dreadlocks after finding bugs in my hair. My shiny bald head disgusted others who were actively cruel to me and made fun of me. ?And in the last, my dreadlocks had a wretched aroma that I didn’t smell, but instead the bullies did. My hair repelled them, causing them to completely reject me.

 

After the third nightmare, it’s safe to say I was freaking out. I didn’t understand why I experienced three nightmares with such similar themes. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get any sleep. And most of all I didn’t understand why the idea of dreadlocks scared me so much. I didn’t want to go back to sleep so I prayed. I prayed the feelings away and asked God what the dreams meant. I asked Him what I was so scared of and the reason that I would have so many similar dreams. 

 

And then it dawned on me: I am a vain person.

 

I enjoy receiving my value through others’ recognition of my hair. I find affirmation in complements when my hair is “just right,” as if that is a reflection of the person within. Don’t get me wrong, I think dreadlocks can be beautiful. They just didn’t fit into my view of the way I needed to look. The problem wasn’t in dreadlocks, it was in me. I was afraid of the reaction of others to my dreads. I was afraid to part with the affirmation they offered. I perceived the way people treated me as directly related to the way my hair looked. And that’s when it dawned on me– I had to get dreads.

 

 

Since then, my dreadlocks have been a roller-coaster. At first, they were hard. They didn’t look the way I wanted them to and they were not easy to sleep on. They stuck out of my head like Cynthia from the Rugrats and were fuzzy, nothing sleek about them at all. I had stopped wearing makeup almost completely as well so that I wouldn’t over compensate with my face. I had many days where I felt insecure and ugly because of the way I looked. These days just proved my need for this period of my life. My worth and affirmation must lie in God and God alone. He does not care what my hair looks like, He cares that I am His daughter and His creation. Filling my own head with thoughts of the contrary is not healthy or glorifying to the changes God has made in my life. I am not defined by my hair, no matter how I choose to wear it, I am defined by His essence inside of me. He will never reject me because of the way I look, like my nightmare-bullies. 

 

I am happy to say that I love my dreadlocks now. I have loops in them and they’re fuzzy, and that’s okay. I can proudly walk around without makeup on at all, something I haven’t done since I was 13. I am confident in the woman God has and continues to make me into. My struggle with vanity is still a struggle some days, but The Lord has made me new and freed me from much of my insecurity. I can proudly say that I now know I am not my hair. Dreadlocks, bald, pink hair or blonde, God loves me and values me just the way I am. And that sounds pretty great to me.