There’s a topic that seems to infiltrate most conversations in my recent life. As a month 11 racer, I am constantly asked about my feelings towards going home. I have my cookie cutter answer, as I’m sure other month 11 racers do. With a smile I say that I’m nervous about leaving this community, but excited about what God is going to do in the next chapter of my life.?
That’s not the whole truth though. The truth is: I’m terrified.?
Absolutely, blindingly, gut wrenchingly terrified. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my family and friends dearly and I am craving In N Out as much as the next girl, but I’m petrified to leave this Race. I have grown immensely over the last 11 months. God has changed the way I see the world. He has changed the way I appreciate His blessings. He has turned my relationship with Him upside down and made me thirst for an increasingly close relationship with Him.?
I am still the girl that launched in September. I listen to Miley Cyrus, sketch in my down time and say “like” too often. But I am also a completely new version of myself. I spend as much time alone with The Lord as I can get. I read spiritual books like they’re candy and I appreciate God in a whole new way. I want to focus on His glory and I want to talk about Him all the time.?
I’ve left home before and had amazing experiences that turned my heart to God. When I was 16 I was lucky enough to volunteer in Lourdes, France. I spent 2 weeks in constant prayer, attending church 3 times a day. I felt the Holy Spirit around me at every moment. I was on fire for God. And then I came home and swung like a pendulum back into a surface level Christian walk. I walked away from Jesus and made some pretty bad decisions. After a few years, God found me again. This time when I was studying abroad in Sweden. For the first time in a long while I had a significant amount of free time on my hands and a hunger to discover God. It started with me leafing through the Bible my Mom left for me and progressed into a complete heart for God. I was listening to sermons at any chance I could get and spending a large amount of time reading the Word. I was attending Taize services in the crypt of our local Cathedral and sharing the Gospel with my Swedish friends. I was on fire for The Lord. Then I went home and on my first weekend back in my college town of San Diego, I turned 21. Saying that it was a night of poor choices would be a understatement and I once again spiraled into distance from God. I excused life decisions that I knew were not reflecting Jesus based on hazy doctrine. I wanted to live my life for me and let Jesus in sometimes, not live my life for Him. After this mishap, God called me back. I was once again pursuing God. About a year later, He pushed me to apply for the Race and brought me out here. Now, after 11 months of constant unity with Him, I am on fire again.?
And I’m set to go home.?
Do you see where my fear comes in? Why the dwindling amount of days left in this Race makes me want to throw up? Why I toss and turn at night? I am so unbelievably scared of walking away from The Lord again.?
However, something happened in worship tonight. I realized that the prospect of losing God again terrifies me. It literally sends chills down my spine. It would not be a loss that would go unnoticed. I fear it because I know the pain. I know it would feel like a hole in my chest, a missing part of my person. And that’s why I’m going to be okay. I am grasping onto The Lord, just as He is always holding on to me. The Lord is faithful and He never has nor ever will walk away from me. He promises that to us. He tells us, “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” He was there through my roller coaster, waiting. Waiting for me to come back while He knocked on the door of my heart.?
So what’s different this time? My focus. I am looking to Him and I am willing to give up anything that draws me away from Him. I want my life to be completely at His feet. I want to glorify Him and use His wisdom to guide my choices. That’s not who I ever was before the Race or at any of those other times, but it’s the girl that’s coming home. I don’t want my life to be my own anymore and that is different. Because of the change God has done in my heart, I have nothing to fear. He allowed me to walk through those times apart so that I could better appreciate His presence now. I turned away and He gave me chance after chance. He was faithful and I was not. Now I know to fight for our relationship and grasp on with all of my might. I am The Lord’s and He is mine. Nothing is getting in the way of that this time. I am no longer willing to lose The Lord to gain the life I think I want. Instead, I’m willing to lose my life to gain it. All of me for all of Him, that’s the deal and this time around, I’m making good on my end of it.?
