I have been back in America for about 10 days now. All I really can say is, I'm a wreck. I am broken, damaged, and confused. I am conflicted with the mass contrast of worlds. For the past 11 months I have lost myself. I let go of my selfish desires and gained a lot of humbling. To try an explain what I have been through with words is unrealistic. To show my hearts brokenness is impossible. Yet, I will try.
I am a wreck. I feel like I have been in a fight, beaten and left, sitting in a coma for months. I have lost all familiarity from “home”. My heart feels shattered and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces. I am angry and confused. I don’t know where to turn. I just want the taste of freedom, to live. Yet, that isn’t what God is asking me to do. He has put me through the test, he has shown me true grace and mercy, and he has broken me for what breaks Him.
You see I am a changed women. I have seen demons attack and ravish lives. I have seen sickness so strong it restricts lives. I have seen hunger that is satisfied with dirt and crumbs off the streets. I have seen orphans fighting to survive. I have seen widows abused and left to make money. I have seen young children sold on the street for pennies. I have seen people so against my God that they will hurt you if your affiliated with Him at all. I have seen stomachs bulging from the lack of nutrition. I have seen the homeless beg for mercy. I have seen people so hungry for attention that they will do anything to feel loved.
These things I can’t shake. I can’t ignore them. My heart is bruised and crushed. I am broken and lost. How can I live in a world now that has no idea these things really go on. Its like a slap in the face. How easy it is to get lost in ourselves and our own comforts. We easily let TV, phones, video games, clothes, or materialistic thing distract us from the truth. That we are called to the least of these. No I am not saying you must go to these places but I am saying I want you to be aware of these things. If we want to call ourselves Christians we have to know the depth of what that means. We have to let go of ourselves and let God lead us. However you will be in for a rude awaking, you will be wrecked. I know that doesn’t sound like the best selling pitch but its the honest truth. I can’t sit back any longer. I want to live with Gods joy inside of me and right now I feel like its out of reach. My body screams justice and love but my head is full of anger. How can I live like this? So broken for Gods people yet so frustrated with them too. I am not writing this to ask for understanding. I am writing this for prayer. I am writing this to encourage you to open your eyes. I am asking for grace and love. I need it. How to apply what I’ve seen and learned and share that with others.
I am changed. God has wrecked me. He has taken my idea of “home” and demolished it. You see, my home isn’t here, it isn’t in Africa, or even Asia. Its in heaven with my Lord and Savior. I'm on Earth now, and its temporary. I am called to live here and serve with everything within me. To love well and to serve all. That when he calls me home I will be ready. "That I will have fought the good fight and finished the race." Not the world race, but life.
So yes, I am broken, hurting, and lost. Its going to take me awhile to find my place and the avenue God is calling me too. But I am proud to say God is my homewrecker. He has striped me of myself and is redefining me in Him. Its not a quick process and I'm learning to rest in Him during this time.
So I ask for serious prayer during this time but even more than that I ask for radical love. Are you ready for God to wreck you?
