Unsung Heroes round 2.
This month hasn’t been easy. Going into South Africa totally blinded is less than an easy plan. Trusting in the Lord to provide is a huge risk because he actually will always show up. You cant predict it and you cant control it. You have to let it be. You have to be patient but persistent. Finding new contacts for the Race is a big challenge. Many things will be thrown at you and there is no way to dodge it. The budget we are allotted is to cover the most basic needs and the rest is in Gods hands. Trusting him with finding a roof over our heads has been amazing. We have been to 3 locations so far and only paid for one of them. The hearts of many South Africans are beautiful and a true blessing. God also continues to bless us with amazing contacts that are so excited to meet and have us work along side their ministry. Meeting after meetings after meetings are abounding. However transportation has been a whole different story. When God gives us everything we need but no way to reach them anxiety rises. Its like seeing a whole box of chocolate and you run to it and realize there is a glass window blocking you out. Heartbreaking let down. Its exhausting when things appear so close yet so far to reach.
The path God has made for us this month often changes and the lack of consistency is everything but great when you have anxiety. I believe anxiety doesn’t always stem from a lack of trust in the Lord, however it can often be a factor. For myself, I am a planner, I am relational, and I am OCD. Having an anxiety disorder on the race is not always so easy. Most of the people don’t understand it and disregard the emotional toll it carries on a person. When signing up for the Race I committed to serving the communities and ministries to the best of my ability. Sometimes that doesn’t just mean one ministry or one location. During months like Unsung it could be in several places in the country. That alone causes my heart to shake. Schedules are good, no no they are great. Consistency is even better and building those relationships are the most meaningful. For me that's what I desire on this trip. However meeting with new organizations each day and moving on is defiantly not my strong point. Its beautiful for some and so powerful but for myself it hurts. I am thankful to meet so many people and ministries and I get so excited for future teams that will come to these places but in the process my heart breaks. I see these amazing ministries, I meet these powerful people, I begin to see the kingdom coming and I want more of it. I want to dig in, I want to serve, and I want to walk along side them. I don’t like seeing it and then having to leave, its like the biggest tease ever. SOOOOO NOT FAIR. Yes, I am a big baby, I am silly, and I don’t like letting go. My heart is honestly just not big enough for all the ministries. I want to hold a special place in my heart for all of them, I want to pray consistently for these people, I want to be involved in their ministries, I want to watch God move through there programs, I want it all! However realistically I cant. I cant, and it sucks. I have to leave my comfort zone and let God take control, but when I do He always provides.
“God takes control and will always have everything under control.” I can say that to myself 100 times a day but truly believing it is another story. Having OCD makes you do crazy things like wanting to be in control. I cant describe to you how frustrating it is to not be able to let things go. Patience is not my spiritual gift but man I can plan like no other. I love planning but even more than that I love pouring into people. My ideal plan would be working with one of these ministries and pouring into them consistently. Yet God has other plans. He placed me in South Africa for a reason, on this team for a reason, and to travel this country for a reason. He has brought me to these ministries for a reason and I wouldn’t want to miss out on that for anything. I am not here to be comfortable, I am not here to do things I am good at, but I am here to change and grow. I am not here to be burden by my weakness but I am here to embrace them and work through them. I am here for a reason and I am here for a purpose. I am ready to let go and let God fight this battle. I am ready for freedom.
