1 Peter 2:11 “Beloved, I urge you as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from the desires of the flesh, which war against your soul.”
Well, it’s been five months since I shared my blog about my personal struggle with lust and masterbation. If you didn’t get to read that confession read my blog “Self-Control Part One: God Confronting My Sins of Lust and Masterbation“. I wish I could tell you that I have miraculously not struggled since, and the Lord has blessed me with temporarily silencing the desires of my flesh for this season of singleness BUT that’s not the case.
Unfortunately the desires of my flesh are very alive and very active… Even now, at 2am. After hours of lying awake I decided to journal and pray about this. Here are some of my raw feelings:
“God… My flesh is crying out right now. It has been 5 months since YOU have broken these chains of lust and masterbation. I thought this would get easier…
God, I want to be pure for my husband… But the lies that I am already unclean are haunting me like a ghost. It’s like I am in high school all over again, feeling used, abused, and thrown away.
All these memories make me feel worthless. Why wait? Why not fulfil the cravings of my flesh? The lies that I am already tainted and impure are echoing in my head.
My body is aching for me to give in. For me to just stumble a little. My body is begging me to fulfil any physical desire, if it’s by myself or not…
Lord, help me be strong. I know that this is an attack. I know that these are all lies. I know that these memories and feelings are not from you.
What is the truth?
I am clean… (John 15:3)
What is the truth?
I am forgiven… (1 John 1:9)
What is the truth?
I am victorious in Jesus’ name. (Dueteronomy 20:4)
What is the truth?
When I am weak, He is strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)
What is the truth?
He has washed away my sins, in Him I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
What is the truth?
I am worthy. (Psalm 139:13-15)
What is the truth?
I am redeemed. (Psalm 130:7-8)
What is the truth?
I am loved…. (Romans 5:8)
Father help me believe this… I am sitting here almost in tears because it is so hard to trust this right now. There are so many images. So many sins. So many mistakes….. God…. Why am I so weak? Why have I hurt you? Why have I put nail after nail into your hands? Why have I forsaken your grace and your love?
Oh Lord please forgive me. Forgive my weakness… God help me stay strong, help my eyes remained fixed upon you. You are what I need, not a husband, not sex, not fleshly desires of any kind, YOU. Just you.”
What I can tell you is this – over the last five months I have not given into the temptation.
What I can also tell you is that the temptation has been so much stronger since I’ve been home from the Race.
Having my own bedroom and solitude is absolutely wonderful, except for the fact that the devil LOVES having me in a place of solitude. Especially at night when I am alone in my room.
I have been laying here wide awake since I tried to lay down for bed about three hours ago. Why? Because my past mistakes are replaying in my mind on repeat like a bad movie. Scene after scene of ex boyfriends, sin, and temptation. And guess what, those mistakes I’m replaying in my mind are ones that awakened desires of my flesh that are only meant to be awakened in marriage. And yet again, they are awakening desires inside of me that I am desperately trying to avoid right now.
Song of Solomon 8:4 “Do not awaken love until is so desires.”
My body is practically screaming “hey husband, it would be really nice if you were in bed with me right now!”
Except, oh wait.. I’m not married. I’m not even dating anyone. I am about as single as an individually packaged cheese stick. (Yes, I just related myself to a peace of cheese that is air locked inside plastic… That’s how suffocating singleness can feel sometimes alright?!)
Yeah, those desires… Those ones meant for marriage – they are awake, even though I want to be sleeping… God, is this why you advised me not to awaken these desires outside of marriage?
Friends… If you are struggling with this, I want you to know that I am right there in the trenches with ya.
Obedience isn’t always easy, but it is always necessary.
I know that this whole celibacy until marriage thing can feel like you are pushing a huge bolder up a side of a cliff at times… But I promise, obedience is worth it.
God has so many rewards and blessings awaiting for us inside of that marriage we are waiting for. Don’t listen to the lies that waiting isn’t worth it. Don’t listen to the lies that say if you’ve already done it, you might as well keep doing it. I promise you – every single time you sin it is another imprint that haunts you when you are laying awake at 2 in the morning (trust me, I’m currently being haunted by every single one)…
Yes, God is a redeeming God. Yes, He can forgive you and wash away your sins – but friends there are consequences to your actions… The memories of those ex’s don’t go away like magic. I know because I am living this out.
I am living with a body that has been completely awakened to the desires of the flesh. I am living with memories of ex boyfriends who used and abused me. I am living with memories of ex’s that I absolutely loved making love to, but guess what? They still aren’t my husband and the devil still uses this shame to haunt me…
The devil loves it when you sin because it separates you from God (Isaiah 59:2). He loves it when you stumble because then he can hold that shame and guilt over you again and again.
Don’t give satan the pleasure of messing with you. Stand firm in your Faith. You are a child of God.
Do you hear me?
You are powerful, and you can resist temptation (even if it means writing a blog in the wee hours of the morning instead of gratifying your flesh).
1 Corinthians 10:13 “no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
God will always give you a door out. You are strong, and when you aren’t – He is.
Don’t give in, and don’t give up. Let us hold on to the promises that He has for us.
Lord, I pray for all of my readers. I pray that if they are struggling with lust, masterbation, or pre-marital sex that you help them resist the lies and the desires of the flesh. I pray that you silence the devil and reveal the truth. I pray that you help us stay strong in You, and deny our flesh until we can fully receive the reward of sex within marriage. Amen.
For those of you toying with the idea of giving away your virginity – I pray this doesn’t fall on deaf ears… It isn’t worth it.
Times like tonight I wish desperately that I could go back and tell 17year old me “he doesn’t love you, this is lust… Love is patient. Have you prayed about it? Look honey, he is going to dump you in a month – are you sure about this?”.
I was young, I was in love, and I was naive – but that is no excuse. Even more desperately than before, I wish I could comfort my 17yr old self after I was used and tossed aside like a worthless tissue. I wish I could let myself know that “it’s okay, you are still loved, you are still forgiven, this mistake doesn’t define you. Just because you made this mistake with him doesn’t mean you have to continue down this path. You aren’t worthless. You are cleansed. Please don’t keep spiraling.”
Sadly, I can’t go back and change my own actions – but I can be honest with all you YOU and pray that I impact at least one of your lives. I’m hoping to save you from the mountain and pain and shame I’ve grown up with, not judge you. These temptations that still eat me alive, and the guilt that gags me when I doubt my redemption aren’t worth the momentary satisfaction. I pray the Lord opens your eyes and your ears and you see that. I pray that you know the truth and your identity in Christ. Amen.
If any of you wants accountability, or just to talk – I’m here for you. Let’s get through this together.
Psalm 19:14 “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”
