As much as I am trying to, I can’t deny it any longer… I’m coming home.
For the past month some of my teammate’s have been getting more excited about our return to America. Some have countdowns on their phones, smiling as the number dwindles down. Others already making plans with friends and family. Some even making doctors appointments, and preparing for jobs that they’ve already applied for and gotten.
Me on the other hand… I cringe inside every time I accidentally hear the number of days we have left, or see a post about it on Facebook, never daring to look at my calendar and accept the reality of my fate. Is this journey really coming to an end? If you want to know more about my fears and reservations about coming “home” read my blog: “Why I Am Dreading The Race Ending“.
I’ve been in denial for the last month. Throwing myself into ministry, self-development, books, music, etc. Anything to keep my mind off of the inevitable, and keep me here in the present moment.
I have been so blessed these last eleven months. I am so thankful I obediently listened to the Lord and came on this journey. If I didn’t listen I would never have met the people I’ve been traveling with, or any of the people I’ve been serving. I wouldn’t have this cherished community of new friends, or know my calling for my future. I wouldn’t have grown the way I have, or seen and experienced all of the different cultures I’ve been immersed in.
Yet now, as it is coming to a close… I can’t help but feel a pang of pain, and the hovering feeling of sadness.
When I leave this journey and go home, I am saying goodbye.
I am saying goodbye to my cherished community, new friends, and my current life as a missionary.
I am saying goodbye to long travel days, tasting new food, and fun adventure days.
I am saying goodbye to my circumstances constantly changing around me. The unknown of what the next month is going to look like, yet the excitement of entering a new country.
I am saying goodbye to these breathtaking experiences, and these uncomfortable situations I’ve been placed in.
Who am I going to be when I am surrounded by comfort?
What am I going to do with consistency and security?
How am I going to feel when I can create my own schedule?
Who am I going to hang out with when I can actually choose?
How am I going to feel being states if not countries away from my new friends?
How am going to feel working a job instead of doing ministry?
I’ve been in denial that this experience is ending since the day it started. Two days ago I lost that, and am now being forced to accept all of this coming to a close. With this being my LAST week of ministry on the Race, how can I not?
When my denial of the Race ending finally broke I was sitting in a van filled with 10 other racers headed to Hue – the empirical city here in Vietnam. I was on another adventure day, yet I was sitting with my headphones in, listening to music, staring out the window, almost in tears.
I won’t miss the bug bites, the squatty potties, the smell of trash so strong I can taste it, or the sound of honking so loud it instantly makes my head ache… But, I will miss the World Race.
I will miss what the World Race does to me. I will miss the strength I am forced to glean from the Lord when I am in ridiculous circumstances. I will miss the community that creates accountability and growth. I will miss the exciting experiences that are so prevalent. Yet, even though I am leaving – I am going to try my hardest to take it all with me.
Dear America – I’ve decided that you are my month 12 on this journey called the World Race.
Transitioning back is going to be uncomfortable, it is going to be different, and it is going to force growth – in likeness to the World Race.
Even though I am currently mourning this season coming to an end, I am going to try my hardest to process everything well so that I can appreciate my time in America. I know that I should be 100% present when I get back to the States, just like I’ve been trying to be present on the field. I know that God is waiting patiently to open doors, show me adventure, and love me through each and every struggle I experience.
Also similar to the Race, I am going to have a long travel day before I get to this next months country. And yet again, I’ll be having “team changes” as I journey home. When I reach America, I will be living with my grandmother Therese and sister Mayryanna – and I know my “new team” is excited to start our new journey together.
I’ll also be entering into a “new ministry” – yet I haven’t gotten my ministry set up sheet, so I am completely clueless as to what ministry will be needed in America or what it will look like. Even though God is taking this international missionary out of her field for a short season, it doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being a missionary.
With this trip ending I am entering into another season of growth, discomfort, and obedience. The Lord has given me direction for my future – but I am still in a waiting period. I have to be patient until the Lord shows me when I am to leave the States again.
Lord, I don’t know why you’ve taken me half way around the world just to throw me back into the States – but until you tell me when I can again leave, I will obediently serve you where you place my feet. I pray that you help equip me for the journey that lies ahead. That you will not only guide my steps, but my feelings as well. I pray that I will be completely open to whatever you have in store for me, and will willingly run in whatever direction you point me. Lord, prepare me – and please let me be a blessing and a light for You in America for this season Father. I pray that I can encourage the people you have already placed in my life, and the new people I encounter. Amen.
All of you who are anxiously awaiting my return. I pray that you see my heart behind this message – I am just trying to process how drastically different life is going to be at home. I promise I will be excited, and part of me is looking forward to seeing you. I just have to process all of these changes first. I know I’ve asked this of you a lot, but I pray that you have grace with me.
I’m coming for you America.
