A year ago this month I figuratively got ran over by a semi truck of grief, depression, vulnerabilty, and pain… My family suffered immeasurable losses, and we all attended two unexpected funerals in the month of June. Rest In Peace Cory Hayes and Tabitha Craver, we love you and miss you.
After I stood up, miraculously still able to stand, but not without the help of the casts and crutches of God, family, and community – I was hit again. This time, I wasn’t able to stand. After all the stress, mourning, and pain, I fell face first into the dirt – unable to move. I was left wounded, and I literally felt battered. I was left bruised and bleeding in public. The pain was too great to hide. I wrote a blog summarizing all of the pain, heartache, and struggles I tried to work through “Goodbye 2015, Hello New Year: My Testimony of Pain, and of Comfort”.
I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t heal without fully depending on God. I couldn’t numb myself any longer, as much as I still wanted to, because the weight of all the pain continuously ripped my shield off. The pain was too heavy. There was too much grief to hide.
Through that experience I’ve seen God. I’ve seen healing. I’ve seen redemption. Yet..
Why is it still so hard to accept the pain of another loss?
When my Grandpa passed away, I was doing ok. I understood the grief, I understood the pain. But now, after what happened to my family, again – I’m not okay.
I find myself praying:
God, why?
I trust you.
But why?
I can’t fathom the reasoning. I can’t understand any piece of this puzzle. I’m looking at it through eyes blurred by tears, and I’m trying to breathe while gasping for air contaminated by the pollution of Cambodia… I just can’t.
I feel like I was finally, FINALLY healing… And now this? Again? More death? More attacks on my family?
God – I am begging you to bring your mercy down on my family because I cannot stand it any longer.
I am at my breaking point, again… I can’t see the light, I can’t see the redemption, I can’t do this without You.
Lord, I know YOU are still Good. God, I know this is not of You… I know this is because Satan is running rampant on this miserable earth… But I am begging you to please have mercy on me. Have mercy on my sister, have mercy on my family.
Lord, you are going to have to hit me hard with the redemption in this one – because I can’t see it.
Lord, when you redeem this make Satan wish he never even attempted to attack my family. Make him weep bitter tears of agony because the redemption is so brilliantly beautiful.
Lord, YOU are Ruler, YOU are King, YOU are the Creator, Alpha, Omega, Ala, YOU are Righteous, YOU are the Lamb. I pray for your compassion. I pray for your mercy. I pray for your grace. I pray for your redemption.
Do not let Satan win this battle against my family. I declare the sacrificial blood of the Lamb to completely cover my family! Lord you love us, I know you do. I feel it, I see it when I look into your face. But, I need You now. Father, I need you. Please come and comfort your children. Please sit with my family. Be the ROCK that I cannot be.
Lord… Fight against the injustice on this earth. Fight against this cruelty.
All the power I have left, is to let the words “You are still Good” escape my lips as I fall face first into the dirt of grief, again.
I don’t understand, but I will worship you until my dying breath… And even though today it feels like I am taking that breath, I know I will still live in this pain tomorrow.
I know I have more left to do on this earth, but Lord – I don’t even feel like I have the strength to open my eyes.
If you want me to even get out of my hammock in the morning… Lord, come. Holy Spirit fill this place. Use me as a vessel, I’ll do your work… But please please protect your children. Protect my family. Surround them with your love and comfort. Bring them peace.
Amen
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
