Today is the start to another long travel adventure… I am sitting here, waiting to board my first of three trains to Thailand. This train is going to be 2 hours long, followed by a boarder crossing, a 2 hour wait, then a 20hour long train ride to Bangkok, Thailand, with a 6hour layover following that, and then finally a 10hour train ride placing us in Chang Mai, Thailand. We’ve already taken a bus, a ferry, and walked (some stairs involved) to get to this point.
I am covered in sweat, sitting under a fan, trying to dry out my clothes. As I sit here I am contemplating how to eat this interesting type of mystery food I bought from the street vendor on the way here. After assembling the contents, I smelt it… I shouldn’t have smelt it. The aroma of a bad can of tuna lofted up into my nostrils.
“Faith, this may be the only warm ish type food substance you get for the next 24hours… Eat it” I tell myself, while trying to pretend that it didn’t smell THAT badly.
I take the first bite… Okay, okay this isn’t *gag reflex* that bad… I swallowed the first bite. “Can I really do this?” I thought to myself, staring at the bowl in my lap.
I try a second bite, this time my gag reflexes couldn’t wait for me to chew. And the smell even stronger now, very distinctly residing in my nostrils. “I can’t, I can’t… I can’t do this.”
I reluctantly put the lid back in this mystery container… A defeated look on my face… I offer it up to any of the 11 other girls traveling with me, I walk around showing them the food. They all take one sniff, shake their heads and tell me no. Nicole Bryant gags simply at the smell, and pushes the bowl back towards me. Kayla Zilch looks at it, contemplative… She decides to grab the bowl and proceeds to take a bite. I can see the thought “nope, nope! Retreat!” run across her face as she hands me the bowl back, shaking her head in dismay. She mutters “it’s like the food you have left over in a garbage disposal”.
She looks at me and tells me it is okay if I throw it away. I hear her, I agree… No one can eat this, not even me as a starving missionary on a travel day. That says something. The smell is THAT bad, and the taste…
I throw the substance in the trash, sit down defeated, and grab a pack of peanuts. Snack time it is then, at least I tried.
Even though the same ridiculous experiences are occurring, and the same unheard of hours of travel are commencing, there is something different about THIS travel day… When I typically put on my big pack (weighing close to 70pounds now), plus my 15pound day pack, and am carrying the guitar on top of everything else – I am normally silently praying the entire time “Lord, help me” becoming a mantra I repeat over and over as I am enduring this ridiculous impersonation of being a pack mule.
Yet today… I am laughing. I am choosing to take the four flights of stairs, instead of the elevator to the waiting area with all my baggage strapped to my body, and I have a sense of peace.
I don’t care how long this trip takes, I am not asking all the questions my past controlling self would ask “when does the train leave? How long do we have to wait? How far of a walk is it? Will there be food? Should I take off my pack – or will you have answer shortly? What teams will we be traveling with? What time will be arrive?”
All of these unknowns are floating around me, and today I am content just sitting in them. I’ve realized something beautiful today – it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how long I am waiting for the train, I’ll be waiting regardless. It doesn’t matter if know about the stairs in my future even if I have all my luggage on, I’ll be climbing them anyway.
If I don’t know the answers to everything going on around me, life still goes on. I’ll still get to my next ministry site, and I’ll eventually get a warm meal again.
I’ve learned so much through travel days, and this trip in general. I am a resilient woman who can withstand a lot. Physically, and emotionally.
Today is different. This travel day is different. I am more focused on myself and the internal, than I am the external circumstances happening around and to me. Today I am trying to sort out how I can feel so differently in my emotions, yet still have peace.
Today I am trying to sort out this hurricane of emotions I am feeling… I am standing in the middle of a million different emotions, conflicted on how to feel, yet still consumed mostly by a sense peace.
I am feeling sadness and confusion. I loved this month. I loved the refugee kids. I loved teaching. I LOVED PenHOP and the time I got to spend face to face with the Lord… Yet, I am still processing what the Lord brought up in me. I am leaving this wonderful place, these great people, and these encounters. I am saying goodbye, for the millionth time on the Race – and it hurts.
I am feeling excitement and joy. Thailand is a month I have been looking forward to since before I even left the states! I have researched this country, looked at countless photographs. Plus, to top it off I get to see the woman I respect the most in my life! My mother will be joining me for a week of ministry in Thailand. I am so excited to embrace her, to love her, to see her, and to work with her side by side in ministry! To share this huge part of my heart with the woman who holds my heart in her hands.
I am feeling confident, yet adventurous. I finally feel like I am getting this traveling thing down. I am confident that I can get from point A to point B – with or without my team. I have complete confidence, and that I was definitely lacking before the Race.
I am feeling peace. I have this overwhelming sense of awe in my Creator. No matter what happens today, or any day, I know that He has got this. I am so comfortable just relaxing into God’s hands and trusting Him with my whole being. I don’t even need to be anxious, because I know that He is here.
All of those descriptions don’t even begin to tackle the tip of this emotional iceberg. My emotions are everywhere. I could sing, I could scream, and I could cry all at the drop of a hat.
Yet, it’s okay. I finally realize that I don’t have to sort it all out. I just have to continuously surrender it to Him, and He will help me work through it.
So, today is different. I am not going to over analyze any individual feeling. I am not going to set in place a plan of action for resolution. I am just going to rest in His hands and feel.
I am going to feel however the Lord directs me to feel, and I am going to choose to see the world and my circumstances through the lens of His eyes.
Yes, I am saying goodbye to another country – it’s okay, He knows the bigger picture. Yes, my mom is coming, it’s okay to be excited about one thing even if I am sad about another. Yes, I am not completely healed from this months revelations yet, but it’s okay because He is still here holding my hand through it all.
