I am sitting here in the international house of prayer, listening to the words “mercy, mercy” being sung in the background as I hold back the tears.
We just took communion. Something I’ve done many times, but this time it was different. This time God picked off my scabs of my past prior to it commencing.
I came into the prayer room blissfully ignorant of the pain I would feel in this moment. I came into the prayer room with my shame buried deep in my heart.
Shame of my past that I thought I dealt with and buried. A shame from past relationships, that I thought I had completely given to God already. Yet, as I was singing to God “empty my heart, fill my cup” earlier in the night… Memories came flooding back. These feelings of shame and guilt came rushing over me as I remembered incidents that had occurred in my past.
At the beginning of the night, there was a spoken reminder that we had to be empty in order for God to fill us. We had to empty ourselves of our flesh, and completely let God enter in. We had to die to ourselves and offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to The King.
All of this I proclaimed loudly as we sang. Worshipping the Lord with arms outstretched high. Singing loudly the words “I can see the love in His eyes, He laid Himself down, as He raised the dead to life” envisioning His death on the cross and Him lifting each person up who was kneeling in front of the cross. Lifting them up off of their knees and lifting their eyes to the heavens.
Yet, as I sang these words, I was surrounded by His presence and something started to happen. As I was surrendering my heart to Him, asking Him to empty me, He actually started to.
He started to empty even the things in my heart that shame had pushed so far down that even I didn’t remember them. Things I hadn’t thought about in a long time. Things I haven’t told my team about. Things I haven’t told my family about. Things I haven’t spoken about. These things started coming out of the dark and started getting transferred into the light.
God, why am I overwhelmed with a sense of shame? Lord, why am I feeling all of this guilt? This was so long ago – why do I have to re-live this pain?
Tonight God emptied my heart. Tonight He took what was suppressed in the darkest corners of my heart and lifted it out into the light. Tonight, even though it hurts now, I am being transformed. I am being refined.
Like gold being melted down so that the impurities can come to the surface – God is putting me under His flames, and reaching into my heart and pulling out the impurities. Tonight, even my most hidden impurities are coming to the light.
After all of these feelings of my past consumed me, I just sat journaling and praying. Praying to God to forgive me of my sins, to cleanse me of my impurities, to take away my shame, to rid me of my guilt, to completely heal me of my past. Praying against any footholds the enemy has in my life because of these shortcomings.
I was feeling so heavy…
Then, it was time to take communion. The speaker who got up to invite us to take part in it – I felt like he was speaking the words directly to me “As we take communion we remember God’s love for us… We remember that when we take this bread and drink this cup, He is cleansing is from our shame…”
I started journaling again:
“Father, as I go up and take communion, I recognize what you have done for me – sending your only Son to die on the cross for my sins. Father, I pray as I take this bread and this juice – that I am cleansed in my mind, spirit, and heart, in my own eyes as well as yours. Father, I pray as soon as they touch my lips – I feel your freedom, and see myself with the eyes you’ve seen me with. I pray I can feel your love for me, and I feel the freedom that comes with it. Amen.”
As I approached the front of the stage, still feeling heavy, I took the items for communion and returned to my pillow on the floor. I sat, praying to the Lord. Praying for freedom, and forgiveness.
As I took the bread, every chew I got a little lighter. Praying again before I took the juice – as I swallowed I felt the juice tingle as it ran through my body.
As I sat on the pillow, still working through being refined. The scabs the Lord peeled off still hurt…
Someone got up and prayed for joy to be released… They released faith over the room, they released it, and I accepted it.
They asked if anyone needed healing from sickness or from pain. They told us to place our hands on those parts of our own bodies and told us to pray for healing. I prayed a short short prayer asking the spirit for healing as my hands were placed on my neck and my lower back. My neck and lower back have been really hurting since being on the Race. I compressed my spine when I got a concussion the summer of 2012, and ever since my neck and lower back have given me a lot of issues. This week I’ve had a headache all week from the tension in my neck. As I prayed, instantly the pain in my neck and lower back were gone and joy consumed me. All the shame, the guilt, the heaviness evaporated and I was standing, smiling, healed, and happy!
Now I am sitting here on my pillow on the floor – utterly dumbfounded and surprised. I have felt so many emotions in the last four hours in this prayer room. And, I have experienced healing both emotionally and physically.
A lot can happen in the presence of the Lord.
