We did it! I can’t believe it, but we actually accomplished this. If you knew me growing up – if I ever said to you that I was going to go a week without speaking, you would have laughed in my face and dared me to go just five minutes without speaking. That’s just part of who I am. I talk, a lot. I love people, I love attention, and I love to laugh, smile, and talk.
That’s why I know that it wasn’t just me, it was Christ in me this past week that helped keep me quiet. Yes, He had to literally take my voice from me at first so I could get some practice in, but hey – I’m not going to tell Him how to get my attention.
At times it was really difficult – like the night before last night for instance. I’ll quote my journal entry when I was venting at the end of the day: “Today I am feeling it. I want to scream, I want to break down and sob. I want someone to be their to LISTEN to me… I don’t want to be silent. I want to speak. I want to be heard.” Even considering the frustration, it was a lot easier than I initially thought it was going to be. We truly can do anything with Christ.
Now the drum role… What did I learn? Why did He take away my voice? What is the great revelation?!
Well, I honestly think it was still mostly just to seal my covenant with the Lord as I stated in the beginning. I believe God wanted to truly see my devotion to Him.
Have I still learned things this week on top of that? Of course.
Relationally I learned that I actually don’t have to say everything that crosses my mind. That some people actually appreciate me more without my sarcastic comments that are constantly on my tongue. That sitting in silence isn’t awkward, it is nice. That not talking, is actually something I may practice more, because it forces me to think through what I want to say – and at times it actually causes others to open up more.
Introspectively I discovered some new things about myself as well. One of them being that deep down I am actually really lonely. Even though I am surrounded by a squad full of racers, I am still left empty, desiring intimacy. And yes, I am getting a lot of that from The Lord. And some of that can also come from my teammates and squad mates – but in the end, I still just truly miss my family. I really just want to cuddle up next to my grandma on the couch and hold her hand. I want to hug my mom and have it turn into a back rub session. I want to lay in bed or on the couch with my sisters, while we cuddle and laugh at absolutely nothing except our laughs themselves. I got so spoiled with all of the love and affection they showed me prior to the Race, and I genuinely miss that.
I also found that I miss feeling known, truly known. Not having to explain my actions. Being comfortable enough with the other person just to be. Parts of me can be learnt on the Race – but honestly since we are in another whole squad month I find myself spending a lot of conversation time in small talk, asking all 38 people how they are etc. Rarely getting into deep conversation, into the depths of feeling known.
Another thing I learned is that I miss being heard! Oh my goodness gracious, I have not felt heard this week. Which is probably a good thing, since I wasn’t speaking… But it really woke me up to why God wants us to LISTEN to Him so much, rather than just talk at Him. I understand what it feels like to be patiently waiting for someone to pay attention to you now.
The biggest takeaway I received this week actually came from listening. It came when the squad and I were doing worship – and I just had to sit silently, because I couldn’t sing due to my vow.
What I learned was about my future. It was the green light I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been praying for months about a country I have visited previously on the Race. I desperately want to go back, my heart is still there waiting for me in the orphanage. With what God spoke to me, I truly now know that it is in my future to go back. I am choosing not to list what country, or any details about it though because I am still called to stay present here while I am on the Race. I am not going to plan it out either, God’s got that. I am just now entering the waiting season before God fulfills a promise.
The Lord said that I could go, but He didn’t say when or for how long. So, I still have no idea what my future after the Race looks like – I just know that at some point in my future He is going to let me go back! Which honestly, just that alone I am ecstatic about.
With that above information, y’all get a little sneak peak into the new heart the Lord has bestowed on me. Surprise! I feel like I am going to be called to be an long term international missionary. Not just these 11 months of the Race, and I am okay with that! I am actually to the point where I can’t see myself doing anything else. I come so alive overseas, and in this type of work.
Prior to the Race I wanted to go to graduate school, and would have been completely comfortable being a school social worker. Now, I really can’t see myself living in America for an any extended amount of time – and I really want to work with orphans. I may even be as bold to say that I could see myself possibly starting up my own orphanage, or starting up an organization that goes in and helps revamp existing orphanages. I have discovered that I am really passionate about fixing the issues in orphanages that disrupt proper care for the children. Probably has to do with my social work background.
Honestly my heart yearns to love on the children in orphanages, specifically the little babies. I feel like I was designed to pour out love on them. My heart yearns to protect them, and feed them, and educate them. To actually appreciate each individual child, and let them know that they are seen and more importantly loved.
Except those plans are not for now. Those are just some desires I now have in my heart, that I am also waiting for the green light on. I am just so happy that I can see the little portion of my future that God showed me this past week. I’m so happy that I get to go back to the country that stole my heart.
Was this week of silence worth it? Yes, absolutely. I love continuing to discover my heart with the Lord. Diving into the depths of myself, with Him holding my hand.
