Lord, today I publicly choose you. I am actively placing you above me. I am glorifying you instead of trying to seek attention for myself. I am silencing myself, so that you can speak.
In my last blog I wrote about my covenant with the Lord. If you haven’t read it, the covenant I made is as follows: “Lord, this day forward I make a covenant with YOU. I WILL always put you first, “I am second”. I will strive towards a pure heart that is desperately devoted to you. Lord, I will value you – and OUR relationship ABOVE all things of this world. Including my friends, family, and future husband. You are first.”
When I was making that covenant, the Lord specifically spoke to me that He wanted me to strive for a “pure heart devoted to Him”. When He spoke this to me, I didn’t think much of those specific words. Pure heart, devotion, gotcha. That was until today when I was praying about this vow, and listening to a podcast.
I was listening to a podcast on “Happiness” and the pastor decided to go over the Sermon on the Mount. When he got to the beatitudes, number six specifically, that’s when he got my attention.
Matthew 5:8 “blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God”.
The pastors view of this specific beatitude is as follows: “Happy are the pure in heart, for they will see God. You will see His hand in your life, you will know His will for your life, you will discern the way He discerns. You will be aware of His presence in the world.”
I don’t think that it is coincidence that I felt God tell me to trust Him with my plans for after the Race, during month one. Or that now when I am passionately praying for His will for my future and my life, He chooses to have me make a covenant with the specific words “pure in heart” within the covenant.
Lord, I made this covenant to you – using the words you spoke to me. And today I am sealing that covenant with a vow of silence.
Why silence?
So, yesterday was the second day I have not been able to speak. I woke up the day before yesterday with no voice. I don’t have a sore throat, I am not sick. I just can’t speak. I was hoping the Lord just wanted to make a joke about a previous blog I posted named “shut up before you kill someone” and silenced me for the day… Then I woke up yesterday, even more mute than before.
I have literally been typing answers to conversations on my phone – because I have no voice to answer the people around me.
Day one, it was funny.
Day two, it was a little more growth provoking.
Day three, regardless of if I can or can’t speak – I am not even going to try.
Yesterday I realized this:
1.) I would like to speak more than I realized prior to this experience.
2.) When you actually don’t have the option to speak, share your testimony, or talk to the people on the street, etc. you have the desire to do so even more.
I also realized that it is completely heart wrenching when a little child runs up to me screaming hello, and I have to meme “I can’t talk” back to them. Or, when I just try and wave excitedly with a smile in hopes that they won’t notice the silence behind the smile.
So, because of this aggravation, annoyance, and extreme need for patience thatI’ve acquired over the course of the past few days… I’ve decided to elongate those wonderful feelings until I can completely replace them with peace from the Lord.
I am going to take a vow of silence, for a week.
I joked that it was God who silenced me from the beginning (it very well could be) but because of that, I am going to devote this silence TO God.
Instead of being frustrated, continuously wondering when my voice will return. I am just going to not speak for a week. Instead, I will choose to pray.
When I get frustrated from not being able to communicate, I will pray. When I want to seek intimacy through conversation with my friends – but can’t due to the lack of my voice, I will pray. I will continuously choose God over myself throughout the day. I will choose God and communicating with Him, over the desire I have to speak.
Today in the podcast I also learned that happiness is connected to selflessness. That all of the beatitudes involve dying to oneself. That dying to yourself is a faith filled decision to trust God with your life. Not to do what you want, but instead always what is right. To relinquish control, placing yourself into God’s hands. Living with all out surrender to Him. To let Him determine your life, your plans, your future.
I want to live a life where people can see me dying to myself daily. I want to glorify God through my speech (or lack there of), my actions, and my life. I want to grow in faith, and a life of faith is a life marked with selflessness.
During this vow I’ll still be able to engage in some minimal conversation by using my phone – but I really feel led to silence myself, to take listening to God to a whole new level. To devote myself to Him publicly. To choose to fast from using my voice, as an act of me valuing Him above myself.
I think by doing this it will perfectly seal my covenant to the Lord. So, stay tuned! I will write a blog next week when this vow is fulfilled and this fast is complete – and let you all know what revelations the Lord revels me with.
As I walk through this, I encourage you to take a step towards fully devoting yourself to the Lord as well. Be bold, do something publicaly this week to show Him your commitment. Pursue him. If you want to do something similar to me, it doesn’t have to be a week long. I understand how that could potentially be impossible back in the states with work, kids, marriage, etc. Although, you could take a vow of silence for a day, or even an hour if you feel led. Or you can always fast from something else (it is Holy Week after all), or start a new discipline instead.
If you are feeling convicted at all, I encourage you to pray about what the Lord wants you to do for Him THIS week.
Job 11:13-20 “Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then, free of fault, you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor. But the eyes of the wicked will fail, and escape will elude them; their hope will become a dying gasp.”
