At beginning of this year, I started taking care of my grandparents, and was able to see the strength of my grandma and my grandpa. It was encouraging, knowing that they’ve been through so much in their lifetimes, yet always still choose to press forward. They love unconditionally, and give without strings attached. I was living in the bliss of ending the chapter of college, and beginning the chapter of adventure (fundraising for this trip). I got to experience the love of my grandmother for the nine months I was with them, that was priceless.
This year didn’t stay blissful, it has been challenging in so many ways. I never would have thought that I would be forced to grow, urged to press on, moved to grieve, and strengthened in so many different areas of my life.
By April, my world started to crumble. A pain somewhat expected, seeing my grandpa age and his health rapidly declining – but still an unsettling sting. The doctors, hospitals, and rehabilitation centers all became a familiar setting.
By June, my world seemed to completely fall apart. The unexpected pain, that jolted me. The pain of losing loved ones, and seeing your family go into mourning. Seeing your 9yr old niece, and 8yr old nephew go into mourning over their mother… Seeing your brother and sister both widowed within weeks of one another… All unexpected, and all unbearable.
In July I left my mourning family for ten days, and traveled to Georgia for world race training camp. Completely broken, completely vulnerable. It was there growth started to happen. I lost control over myself, and gave into His control. I couldn’t be strong for myself anymore. I couldn’t pretend I was okay.
The Lord opened my eyes to the beauty of weakness. The beauty of vulnerability, and dependence on Him. After returning home, I found out that a friend of mine had been ripped away from me. I spiraled back down into the unexpected and unbearable feelings that loss brings.
August was a whirlwind. Still broken, still mourning, but pressing forward. I had to meet the financial deadline for the trip. August was full of fundraising, and goodbyes. August was also full of the Lords Grace and His provision.
September… I started the race. I started this journey away from my broken family. Knowing that God was still calling me, but struggling to seperate myself from their pain. I pressed forward, I got on the plane, and I traveled to a new version of my life.
September – November The Lord helped me mourn. He taught me what it meant to grieve. He showed me that breaking into tears randomly, and having mood swings was acceptable. That clinging to the happy moments, and to be uncontrollably depressed was all okay, and could all be received with grace.
It was in these months where I finally learned that I didn’t have to have it all together. I didn’t have to apologize for the tears when they uncontrollably fell from my face. I could actually even choose to let them fall when I needed to.
I saw that my active choice to be vulnerable and weak with my team encouraged them to be vulnerable. It built relationships. They didn’t receive my weakness with judgement, but they reached out and showed me support. They showed me love, grace, and understanding.
The fear I had of being weak, of being less than perfect, of losing control… It was all for nothing.
I could finally be free. I could completely be me, broken or whole. I could show both sides of the coin.
I don’t have to have it all together – my testimony of how I actually don’t have it all together is actually more useful and more encouraging to others.
The end of November my heart was filled. We traveled to Macedonia and The Lord lavished me with His Grace and Love. He started teaching me about Joy. I had a weight lifted, and could completely feel The Lord’s presence. My passion for guitar was heavily ignited, and The Lord urged me to worship Him. (My four part blog series goes into this in more depth).
And finally, December came around, where I learned how to put a smile on -even when you are doing someinthing completely and utterly ridiculous. Even when it is something you have no desire to do, and even when it is something you don’t agree with. Choosing to be honoring, and choosing to have joy when you aren’t in a situation where it comes easily.
This year was full of the unexpected, but through those challenges I was forced to grow, urged to press on, moved to grieve, and strengthened. I learned what it meant to depend on God, to be comforted when you are mourning, and to be the light when you can’t find it.
This coming year, I look forward to continuing that growth. To completely relying on Him, and leaning into His plans for my life. I choose to accept whatever ways He moves, even if that forces discomfort. I am choosing Him this year, over myself. Ironically, today is the day my team changes. I will be journeying forward into this new month of the race and this new year, with new people.
Lord, I thank you for who you are. Thank you for comforting my family and I this year. Thank you for teaching me new things, all in your perfect timing. Thank you for knowing me better than I know myself, and for encouraging me to trust that in you. Lord, I am submitting to you – I pray for your guidance and wisdom as I relinquish control. I pray for the ability to choose joy even when it is difficult. I pray that I continue to hear your voice, and follow your leading. God, I love you. I love your heart for people. Lord, I desire so strongly to be like you. I pray that you give me your heart, and help me to love others as you do. I am ready for you to write our story, help me to stay open, willing, and disciplined. Amen.
