Welcome to Part Two: Heartbroken, but still Trusting
We were told that we would get the opportunity to do multiple ministries during our time here. We get to serve in an orphanage ages 0-7years old, we get to serve in a home for the elderly, and we get the opportunity to serve the teachers of a special needs school, as well as ministry within the church and congregation.
As soon as I heard about our ministry here, the orphanage was what I was most excited about. My heart lept at the idea – even before the race, orphan ministry is something I have been extremely passionate about.
God knows how much I just want to spread His love. I want to lavish His love and my love onto every single one of those precious children. Even if it takes until the last day of ministry for the child to warm up to me… I would just like the opportunity to let them know that they are desired, they are precious, and they are worth it.
With my studies in social work, and with all my psychology classes – children in the system (as we would call it in the states) and orphans are where my heart just aches… I want to show them love. Especially with being a nanny for so many years for infants… The idea of crying babies not being held, just tears me apart inside.
This orphanage is the picture of my ideal ministry to serve in while on the race..
My heart gleaming.. Immediately I was hoping I could spend all of my time at the orphanage – joking that I would volunteer if they needed anyone for additional days – but in my heart, seriously hoping that I could spend as much time there as possible..
I have been filled with absolute joy since I arrived in Macedonia (read more details about JOY in the part one blog). Up until the first day we were supposed to go to the orphanage, and we didn’t…
The orphanage doesn’t typically let in evangelical Christians – so the church we are working with has never been able to volunteer there (which only made me more excited about this ministry). That being said, our host has experienced some push back from the orphanage. One of the things being that we all needed to get a throat and nose culture done – so instead of to the orphanage we headed off to the clinic.
Even though I felt completely okay health wise, I prayed and prayed that I would pass and that my team would pass these lab tests. After we took them we found out we had to wait two days for the results… My heart being optimistic and my head telling myself to just trust God and His will – I impatiently waited for the results. We filled our time with street evangelism and team meetings – and then the day came.
The results were in and Billyana (pastor Josip’s wife – our hosts), came to the church to let us girls know.
“Everyone passed except for you” Billyanna said, while looking at ME…
I was in shock… Thoughts frozen…
Once I realized she was serious, I started to problem solve… I’ll pay for another test, I’ll take antibiotics… I’ll do anything so that I can go, I told her. She said she would talk to the orphanage in the morning and let me know their response.
I tried to stay optimistic, trying to choose Joy despite my circumstances until the next day… It’ll be fine, it isn’t a serious bacterial infection. It is just in my nose. Maybe they will let me come and serve anyway since it is a super common bacteria…
Billyanna came the next day – I looked at her and asked her the dreaded question, am I going to be allowed to go to the orphanage? Her response “no, I’m sorry – I tried”.
It was then that my heart truly broke…
Okay Lord – you’ve got to help me through this because I don’t understand. I am here, I am willing, I am passionate, and I can’t go.
In this moment I was mourning my current situation… I didn’t know how I was going to feel as my team walked out the door without me in the morning, but I told myself… No matter how badly I am going to feel – I am still going to trust…
I am going to trust that God can turn every situation around for the good of His people. I am going to trust that The Lord will be my strength when I break down for the umpteenth time. I am going to trust, because even though I don’t know WHY, I do know that my God is good. I do know that He loves me, and I do know that He is with me through this.
Psalm 91:2 “I will say of The Lord ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'”
To continue reading, please go to Part Three – Spiritual Warship
