As we have enter into month 4 on the World Race, God has been revealing parts of my heart that needed to be healed. This past month was also know as Man-istry month where all the men came together forming a team. Interestingly one of the men on our team was our squad leader Jermey Joel. He had been reading a book called Sonship: A Journey into Father’s Heart which he encouraged all the men to read. At first I had become a little naive of reading a book about sonship.
After all, I know that I’m a son of the Father and why must I read some book about knowing my heavenly father’s heart… But the reality was that God was convicting me to read it. I had a rough past with my biological father leaving my life at a young age and then my stepdad came into play. All through life I tried to become an independent person not needing a father to guide or counsel me. Why should I? if my biological father left then surely I didn’t need some other man to replace him.
“Many people encounter the heavenly Father but only those who have the heart of a son or the heart of a daughter can live in relationship with Him as a father.”
And when I came across this passage in ch.4 of Sonship I realized how much I desperately needed a father in my life and understand the heart of our heavenly father.
When you are disconnected with your earthly father then you become disconnected with your heavenly father. When we read scripture especially the old testament, in most books it starts out the son of… Every man in the bible was a son of some father. What I was doing was closing my heart to my stepdad not acknowledging his heart and who God created him to be in my life. I could never see from my stepdad’s perspective and the lens that he was looking through.
Reflecting back I saw that he was loving me the best that he knew how to and when my biological father left I shifted that same perspective onto my stepdad robbing him from being a father. He had a heart of a father toward me but I had no way of relating to it. I realized that Jesus was a son to an imperfect man eternally which he was the son of David. Heck! Jesus ministry is based on David’s kingship. When we look around churches today, we would abandon David from the pulpit based on his failures. But Jesus was content to be known as the the son of an imperfect man. If Jesus was okay with that then why couldn’t I be okay with that? I wrestled with that thought for several days until I kept reading more of chapter 4.
Then came a part that changed my heart to living in a relationship with my stepdad which open the relationship with my heavenly father. James Jordan the author of Sonship encouraged the readers to write a letter forgiving our father’s for every way that they hurt us as a child. Then he said to ripe up, burn, or throw away the paper as a symbol of letting go of that hurt. “Okay that sounds simple” I said to myself. Within the next sentence Jordan addressed to write another letter of asking our father to forgive us in the ways that we’ve hurt them and then send it to them.
My stomach immediately bulged into a knot, freaking out about what will my stepdad think of me expressing my request of forgiveness. He really never received acknowledgments as a son either and from that he had become a very prideful man. He doesn’t know how to receive love, especially from a stepson who never showed it. And that was the point of the letter to break down walls that had been built for years between us. So I decided to share with you all the letter that I sent my stepdad and encourage everyone reading this to reflect on the relationship with your parents. Because so many of us have closed our hearts to our earthly fathers and have lost the heart of sons and daughters, perhaps you too have a letter to write to one or both of your parents.
Dear stepdad,
I want to take this moment apologizing for everything that I’ve disobeyed in toward you. I’m sorry for never acknowledging you as my stepdad even when you replaced my biological father. I’m sorry that I never wanted to be close with you when you loved me as your own son. I’m sorry for revolting against your authority out of rebellion and for my own selfish desires. I’m sorry for never honoring you with respect and dignity when you sacrificed your life daily for me even when you had the chance to walk out. I’m sorry that I always challenged your position as a stepdad and never wanted to learn from you. I’m sorry for not being a son and allowing you to lead me as my father. I’m sorry for trying to stand for myself and not letting you stand in the gap for me in my brokenness. I’m sorry for never saying “I love you” when I saw that you desired it in your heart. I’m sorry for not proclaiming you as my father. I’m sorry for holding in my feelings of how I felt toward you and never sharing them. I’m sorry for lying to you in moments that caused arguments between us. I’m sorry for spending 23 years in fear of you. I’m sorry for not trusting your advice and guidance in my life. I’m sorry for trying to be better than you and proving myself to you. I’m sorry for not partaking in your adventures on the weekends to the soccer games as you tried to connect with me. I’m sorry for not acknowledging your presences when around other people in public. I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done to hurt you.
Fabian Cortez
Update on fundraising: I have 19 days until my final deadline which is Nov. 30th. Would you please consider partnering along with me as I continue the Lord’s call on my life in South America. I’m $4,000 away from meeting my total goal of $17,561. any donation is greatly appreciated and sharing my post would help also. Thank you!!!
