This blog is for my family. A family that is currently struggling with loss, and the hurts that follow. Family, I am so sorry I am not at home to walk with you all through this time! I hope this encourages you, and anyone else who happens to read it.
When I signed up for Project Searchlight I thought it would be a time of great fellowship, and a time to reunite with the squad that I love so much. I thought it would be a time with my leaders that have spent the past year speaking life into me. I thought it would be a time to experience a little bit of the race that I miss.
It has been so much more. God knew where my heart would be on the morning of January 12th. He directed me to where I would need to be: PSL.
Little backstory…
My biggest fear when I left home, for this 11 month journey with God was that someone would get sick, or hurt while I was on the field. The enemy knew that, and he was seeking to do what he does: steal, kill, and destroy.
In month 4, while I was in Panama I got a prompting from the Lord to call my dad. When I did he was moments from calling me to tell me that my Grandmother, my Noni, had been diagnosed with cancer. My biggest fears were staring me in the eyes.
The Lord was still with me, and he gave me the support I needed. I cried in the arms of one of my best buddies, Christian. My team lifted me in prayer, and they were with me.
Fast forward eight months. I was sitting in my hotel room the night before Project Searchlight and my phone rings. My sister, Cosette, was calling to inform me that Noni had passed away.
The Lord was with me. He provided one of my closest friends from the field to sit with me, and comfort me in that time of deep pain.
The next day was horrible. It was so hard seeing all these people I love so much, and not feeling the joy that I wanted to feel. I was still hurting. This whole time the Lord had me where I needed to be.
The morning of the 12th was our first morning of worship, and the Lord wanted to take my pain. He wanted to heal my hurt. He wanted to comfort my soul.
During worship he directed me to read Hebrews 12. Really God!? Hebrews 12!? Can’t you give me something more original? We read Hebrews 12 countless times on the race. He just repeated to read it, and he filled my heart with the phrase “She did it!”
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”
Hebrews 12:1-2a
Then I got what he was saying to me. She did it! She ran her race! She did it well! She kept her eyes on her father in heaven though it all, and now she is with him in peace! Finally! She is in peace! She is in freedom from sin, freedom from cigarettes, and freedom from cancer.
Then, just because God is cool and likes to show off a little. Here appears my buddy Christian. He hugs me and the Lord gives him an image of me in the throne room of God worshiping, and here walks in Noni! She is beautiful, her robe and crown are stunning! She is radiating the new perfect peace she possesses.
Then Christian reinforces Hebrews 12 with a new vantage point. Noni is now a member of that great cloud of witnesses. She isn’t gone, she is watching us. She is standing on the other side of the finish line and rooting us on. She ran her race. It’s done. She completed it! Now she is looking down in love and pride, and seeing her everlasting impact on the future of a family devoted to the Lord.
I came to PSL, and I didn’t know what to expect. God knew. He placed me where I needed to be. He put me where I needed to be so He could comfort me. Now I can have the peace to talk about Noni less than a week after loosing her, and have a smile on my face through every word. That is divine peace if I’ve ever seen it!
God wasn’t even done there! That’s just the first hour! God used this week in ways that I could have never expected or even wished.
Project Searchlight is a lot of things, and they are all amazing! Most importantly it is a time of people pouring in and investing in you, and helping you though a time of big transition. When I signed up I didn’t know all that would entail. I am just so happy there are these people who love me and are willing to pour into me!
Now Noni gets to come with me and watch over me, and maybe God and her can brag a little about how much they both love me. Haha it’s not arrogant, it’s true!
Love you Noni!
