Well, I’ve been home just about a month. 4 weeks to the day. In that time frame I have picked up 2 part-time jobs in addition to getting my photography business underway again. I have had 3 doctors appointments, surgery for the complete removal of my thyroid, almost a week-long stay in the hospital, and an ER visit. I’ve found a new church and small group. I took a trip to Baton Rouge, and I celebrated my 24th birthday. I’ve binged on a lot of Netflix. I’ve had a lot of cheeseburgers. I signed up for Crossfit. (yeah, chew on that paradox for a minute)
That’s a lot of lame information about my first month back in the States. But one thing I know for sure, the last 4 weeks have been all about me. Numero uno. Lookin’ out for no one except MYSELF. And some people would say “you deserve it!” or “take a break!”…but for a World Racer, that is a pretty big adjustment. To go from spending all day everyday in the service of the Lord and whoever is infront of you, to allocating every minute of your day to what your own personal needs are is a pretty stark contrast.
And SHOCKER…God has used this selfish mentality of mine, along with a surgical complication, to…you guessed it…HUMBLE ME. It comes as no surprise that God would continue to teach me the lesson He began in Cambodia even as I return home.
I had a couple of complications during my thyroidectomy, one of them being the potentially permanent damage to the superior laryngeal nerve, which sits just above the thyroid. That’s fancy doctor speak for I have lost the ability to project my voice. And for anyone who actually knows me…that’s pretty funny.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve been “hushed”…by teachers, my parents, coaches, friends, anyone and everyone. I ramp up in conversations and discussions. I, in every sense of the word, command attention with my voice. It’s clear, it’s sharp, it carries. And oftentimes it carries beyond what I am even aware of, and has become a disturbance on many occasions.
But why?
In all honesty, this year on the race is probably the first time in my life that I’ve truly felt heard. That my voice matters. That people actually want to hear what I have to say. That God actually listens when I pray. (this has everything to do with my own insecurities and nothing to do with the people around me)
For the longest time, from my earliest memories, I made the choice to be “heard” based on the actual volume of my voice. But the cool part is, I’m heard no matter how loud I talk. I’m heard.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” -Matthew 7:7
The Lord has been so sweet to show me in this process of losing the ability to project my voice beyond an “inside voice” to show me that He hears me, that my community hears me, and that what I have to say matters, regardless of volume. He is continuing to humble me in this process, showing me that I still have so much to learn. And that this newly acquired circumstance actually gives me a beautiful opportunity to grow.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” -Proverbs 15:1
I have the chance to grow in my ability to hold my tongue, to wait and think more carefully before speaking, and most importantly…to listen. God is growing in me a gentle spirit. He is sowing in me things that I never thought possible because of my personality and my predispositions. God is not limited by my experiences. He is not limited by my sin or my selfishness. And He sure as heck is big enough and sovereign enough to “finish the good work” that He began in me.
I guess it all comes down to my title question: who deserves the attention?
God is showing me little by little how often I choose myself, my own desires, over the needs of others. He is showing me how I can use my voice and temperament to hear others rather than demand to be heard.
