Ok so I’ve been avoiding blogging for the past couple weeks for, well..a number of reasons. First, and most pressing, May is typically the craziest month ever for photographers. Graduations, weddings, and people are finally getting time off of work to schedule family sessions. It’s nonstop. All the time. So active fundraising, blogging, and general world race preparations have come to a screeching halt for the past few weeks as I try to do basic things like eat, sleep, and shower. But really though.
And here’s where I’ll get real.
I’m kind of a brat.
I’m kind of a child.
I’m super impatient.
I like things my way.
I whine to God a lot.
OK, so common thread in those statements? I. Me. Self. Blahhhhhhhhhh I hate it. Ha, look at that. Me again. Making it about numero uno.
Watching the July 2014 racers head off to training camp and return with stories and blogs and so much bonding a couple weeks ago made me…honestly? Jealous.
There. I said it. It’s what most of us are thinking. Us heathens, at least.
I’m so wrapped up in how far away January is. How all of these other teams are preparing to launch in just a few short weeks. And how I’m stuck in the daily grind of work, with minimal community (that’s another post for another time), and thirsting for the tangible experiences with the living God that “everyone else” seems to be experiencing. Days just drag on…they feel like weeks.
So now what?
All my impatience, all my frustrated temper tantrums with God…
nothing has changed.
I’m reminded of a gospel track I was given by a CRU staff member as a college freshman. They use the analogy of faith to be similar to being a passenger on a plane. Your anxieties, your fears, your worries about whether or not the plane will take off and land safely at your destination have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with if the pilot will competently do his job, and if the plane will function as it is intended. So why worry? My growing impatience for my launch date to arrive will absolutely not make time move along with anymore haste than it already does. So why the heck am I so impatient?
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7
Impatience and worry go hand-in-hand. Impatience breeds worry. I’ve come to understand that my “worries” are rooted in impatience. As I sit in my selfish mindset of wanting what I don’t have yet, wishing days would pass more quickly, and January would come…I am missing what God has RIGHT NOW.
HE HAS ME HERE RIGHT NOW FOR A PURPOSE.
And when I am impatient, it’s as if I’m claiming that God’s timing, His plan, His perfect provision, isn’t enough for me. That it won’t satisfy my needs. Ha. That’s funny.
Has He ever not been enough?
Has He ever left me in need?
Have I ever been left alone?
No.
Nope.
Not a chance.
So I’m being completely 100% honest when I say that my selfishness has allowed the enemy to creep in and steal my joy. Steal my thankful heart. And once that process starts, he’s manipulative. So good at what he does…and before long, he’s twisted the good things that God has for me, and fed me every lie in the book.
And I start to worry.
It’s like the more impatient I am…the longer the days seem to last.
No more. Moving forward, I am praying not for patience, but for a heart inclined to others. Their needs. Their wants. How I can pray for them. I believe that selfishness breeds impatience, which breeds worry. So rather than attack the third level…I’m going straight to the source.
SELFISHNESS.
Ok, for those of you who hung in there and read this whole post, I’m grateful. If you are my financial and/or prayer supporter, I am grateful. For those of you who would like to pray for God to root out selfishness in my life, I would be grateful.
Peace & Love,
Eva
