I went in to work at 1pm expecting another hectic shift in the Emergency Room. It was busy. I was running around, taking care of patients, when I realized I had a missed call from my Dad. I went to a break room to call back and make sure everything was ok. It was more than ok.
“Did you check your text messages?” He asked.
“No, why?” I replied.
“Just check them and call us back.” He urged.
I hung up the phone to see a text from my sister, there was a picture of something that looked like a thermometer with a positive sign on it. I immediately started crying. I called my parents back and we laughed and cried together. I could hear my mom squealing in the background, “I’m going to be a Nona!”
When I got home that night, I put my feet up, ate a snack and watched a short show to unwind. I was going to be an Auntie!
I would have to hit the repeat button in less than twelve hours so I wanted to get some good sleep. The good news though was after this next shift it was vacation with the family in Colorado for a week, we were going to celebrate Talia and Joe’s great news with loved ones. So I went to bed at 2:30am for what I hoped would be a restful night.
It was 8:20am and my phone was vibrating,
“Uggh who is calling me?!” I thought to myself.
It was Lily (for the sake of privacy I’m using different names), my neighbor.
“Surely, it can wait.” I thought as I silenced the phone.
But, there was another noise, someone was banging on my door and yelling.
I grabbed my robe and stumbled to the front door to find Lily in her nightgown. She grabbed my arm,
“You’re the nurse, right?”
I strained, trying to focus my eyes, trying to get my bearings.
“Yes, I am,” I said, concerned of what I would hear next.
“We don’t know if he’s ok! We can’t tell if he’s alive, he looks awful! You have to come check him!”
Lily was pulling me to my neighbor’s apartment. A thirty something year old male lived there, he and I exchanged a twenty minute conversation one night, just getting to know each other. He had lived there for twelve years and really liked it, I had only been there three months.
My landlord was pacing outside on the phone with 911, panicky and clearly upset. I could hear sirens in the distance. My heart started to pound. Lily was pushing me from behind and I started to feel weak, at one point I pushed back, fearful to enter his apartment, I didn’t know what I’d see and if I was strong enough.
There was blood, a puddle of it on the couch then a trail of it on the carpet towards a corner that I couldn’t see behind. I followed it. The carpet was sloshy and I was barefoot having gotten up in such a rush. I saw his feet, then his legs then all of him lying on his bathroom floor. He was breathing, I could tell right away, but his hands were covered in blood and blood was coming out of his mouth and rectum. I started to feel light headed. I gagged. I thought I was going to pass out. But, I am a nurse, an ER nurse at that, so I tried to think as clear as I could.
“He’s on his side,” I thought out loud, “he won’t aspirate if he continues to vomit.“ “He’s breathing!” I yelled to my neighbors.
You know when you’re reading a good book and the author says something so profound that you just have to mark it with a yellow highlighter? Well he was that color, bright yellow. His abdomen was protruding and I thought I could see the edges of his liver pushing against the wall of his abdomen.
“What do I do? What can I do?” I thought to myself. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out my next step, when I heard footsteps and saw paramedics rushing in. I got out of the way. Thank God they came when they did.
I followed the paramedics with my landlord to my ER, where they were taking him.
When we entered the triage area I asked which room he went to, “Room 11” they told me. I cringed, that’s where the bad cases go. We walked to the room, my co-workers did double takes when the saw me in ordinary clothes (I had time to change into some jeans and a t-shirt).
“It’s my neighbor,” I explained.
We stayed until relief came and then I was able to get home to get ready real quick to come back for another shift.
The second I walked into my house I started to feel it. A heavy weight, like something dark was near and felt like something would jump out from a corner. I called my Dad, he and two others got on the phone and prayed for me. I told my housemate about what happened and she prayed for me.
My mom called me excited to talk about the grandbaby/niece/nephew, but I couldn’t even get excited. I tried, but I was so clouded.
I had an hour before needing to go to work, but I didn’t want to stay in the apartment another second, I went to work early.
It was a long twelve hour shift in the Emergency Room consisting of patients with GI obstructions, Pulmonary Embolisms, Nausea and Vomiting, and Chest Pain. Each patient needed their own individual work up and on this night I had no help. Doctors were barking orders, patient family members were anxiously standing outside the rooms asking for warm blankets, a cup of ice, their loved ones status. I remember at one point I had to go to the back to let out a few tears because the stress was too much.
When I got home that night at 1:30am I knew I only had a five hours to sleep because I had to head to the airport by 8am. I don’t like to spend money on utilities so I’m always turning off lights, but I didn’t that night. I left the kitchen and living room light on because I was scared to walk to my room in the dark. I felt anxious lying in my bed. I forgot to turn on my fan, but was too scared to get out of bed to turn it on. I was using my computer as a night light so I turned on America’s Funniest Home Videos. I thought something with laughter in the background might help me sleep. But I stared at the wall for two hours. 3:30am came along, I only had 4 more hours to sleep, but in all my exhaustion I was too afraid to sleep.
I haven’t known my housemate long, but I was so scared I would have taken help from stranger at that point. I conjured what little courage I had, held tightly to my pillow and tip-toed to her door and knocked.
“I’m so sorry, I know it’s late, but I’m scared and can’t sleep, would you mind if I slept with you?” I said sheepishly.
She was so gracious to me. “Oh, Estie, of course.” She scooted over and made room for me.
I think I slept for three hours before waking up for my flight to Colorado.
What was supposed to be a restful and exciting time in Colorado with family ended up being one of me crying most nights in bed with my sister, shaking in the arms of my mother, and doing everything I could to keep my sanity. I did my best to make the most of the trip and tried so hard to smile and laugh, but every night in bed I started to fight my fears again. I had a couple nightmares and one night had to spend a long time praying out loud with my sister.
I didn’t understand why I was reacting that way. I have been an ER nurse for nearly two years and have seen a lot. I have performed CPR, put tubes in every which end of people, been kicked at punched at, yelled at, held a bucket for a vomiting patient, cleaned a baby to a 95 year old man. And I think, had I received my neighbor as a patient in the ER, my response would have been easier, but walking into it was something entirely different.
I found out my neighbor died today. His family has been at his side night and day for the past month as he was treated in ICU. I spoke with his father in length as he was moving his son’s things out of the house. He was so kind and he told me how his wife just couldn’t leave her son’s side.
I’ve always been scared of dying. When I was eight, I used to walk to my Dad’s side of the bed in the middle of the night, hold his hand and tell him how scared I was to die.
I’m afraid I’ll be that one that God will say, “Depart from me, I never knew you.” I’m scared of losing someone I love, I have before, but I don’t know if I could take it if anything happened to my family. I know this is nothing I have control over. It’s scary to think about and I’ll even refrain from writing out the rest of my fears about it because I don’t want to make you guys scared. But, this situation with my neighbor brought on these fears even stronger.
Death isn’t an easy thing for me to wrestle with. I don’t know how to handle it with hope in sight. But, I’m on this journey and I need to find hope. I want to find hope. This situation has brought on a whole new series of questions that I am trying to face with courage.
Please pray for my neighbor and his family. My heart breaks for them
