To all the people who have faithfully followed my journey, this one’s for you.
I wondered if this was still worth writing since it’s about four months overdue, but something felt unfinished without it… so I owe you all the biggest apology that I am only now writing this blog. I’d like to tell you it’s because I’ve been busy, that every moment has been so full that I didn’t have time to write. In reality though, the magnitude of the task seemed overwhelming: how could I take a year of more goodness than I knew a year could hold, of moments that touched me to my core but left me speechless, and of gratefulness that brought me to my knees—and put it all into words? I value words and their power a whole lot, so the thought of them failing is frustrating… but I must try. I must try because God deserves the glory of this story and because all of you, my faithful supporters, deserve to hear it.
On the plane to our first country, I wrote with anticipation in my journal, “This may not be a super easy year, but I know it will be a good one.” What I didn’t know was just how good it would be. You see, I still had a great deal to learn about God and His love—a love that showed up over and over again as abundant blessings in my life.
Never would I have imagined that I’d get to meet and hold and love so many people in this world. The last few years have taken me to a lot of different countries desperate to encounter hope, and in each place, I came face to face with people who have forever changed the way I see life. Many of these moments brought me joy. A lot of them broke my heart. All of them allowed me to shine light into the dark corners of people’s hearts—praying that they’d beat a little differently when we left. It happened with each overlooked homeless person I sat beside. With the young, trafficked girl I cradled in my arms as she shook and learned about a Father who loves her. With every street-kid who sat beside us at the table and shared a meal, eyes wide with wonder and hungry for love. Each villager who no longer has to live on streets heavy with spiritual darkness, because light replaced it as we walked down them and prayed. Every man, woman, and child who experienced healing and cried as they encountered Love they had never known. And a thousand more. It was humbling to realize that God didn’t need me to reach any of these people, He could have done it all without me… but He invited me along, and that was His goodness in my life. Because loving people when it cost me something gave me a glimpse of how real and deep and powerful God’s own love is, and truly understanding this has changed me. And because He knows that moments like these where I see Heaven touch Earth are the ones I live for. This past year was filled with so many of them, and each one made me say with a smile, “This is a good life.”
But the even greater blessing of this year was getting to help lead fifty people into moments like these. I never could have imagined how sweet this part would be.
If someone told me that God looked out at all the young adults in this world, chose the fifty-two who were the hungriest for Him, and gathered them together in one place, I would have believed it. It was clear that each one of them had been called to this journey for a reason, and it’s amazing what God can do with a brave “yes.” I saw a group of people who deeply loved Jesus and desperately wanted the world to know Him, and as I grew to know and love them, I humbly wondered, “Why me? Why do I get to lead these people?” In time, I realized the reason was twofold: both to give and to receive. Every day presented an opportunity to pour out wisdom and love and joy. To teach them and speak life into them. To call them higher. To walk them through messy parts of their stories and into healing that led to freedom. To not just see the gold within them but to help them find it in themselves. To stand with them in the struggles and celebrate with them in the victories. All the while praying that through it all, they’d look a bit more like Jesus—because this is what leading them was always meant to be about. This was the giving. But sometimes, we get to live a beautiful paradox: that when we pour out everything, we end more filled than when we began… because as we bless others, God has a tendency of blessing us even more. I mentioned already the power of a “yes.” This word didn’t only change the world but also the life of each person brave enough to say it—all fifty-two of them. I got to see this up close every day, and these were the moments I lived for this time: those where I stood back and watched our people do what they wouldn’t have done a few months prior and felt deeply proud of them. Moments where the shy ones found their voices and the self-conscious ones learned to walk in freedom. Where people stepped out in boldness, discovered gifts they didn’t know they had, fell more in love with Jesus, and learned to bring Kingdom with every breath—not only last year but forever in their lives. Moments that I might not have believed would happen except that I watched them wrestle hard to get there, making the celebrations that much greater.
Not everyone gets the chance to invest so deeply in so many people, and even fewer get to see the fruit of it. I received both, and each breakthrough moment like these filled my heart and made every other moment worth it. Sometimes I felt like a proud mom, and if it’s true that the feelings of fullness and pride only multiply when they’re your own children, I think my heart might actually burst one day. This was the receiving. To love and invest in these people was an honor and privilege I’ll treasure for the rest of my life. Did it have its challenges? You bet… but I would do it a thousand times over. And just when it seems I couldn’t have been more blessed, God gave me the most wonderful leadership team to walk with. This year would have held only a fraction of the goodness without them: two coaches who encouraged and loved us deeply, and a mentor and co-leader who became two of my closest friends. These two are enough reason to fall to my knees in thankfulness, but in God’s loving character, He gave me so much more.
Nearly every night, I went to bed asking, “Why me? Why do I get to live this life?” I didn’t deserve any of it. But that’s just the thing about God’s love. It doesn’t have to be earned. He pours it out like a waterfall, because that’s who He is. And that’s why in the midst of more brokenness than I imagined I would face, the year still held more goodness than I knew it could hold… because God’s love doesn’t fail. I promise you that; I’ve bet my life on it. This love is what changed our fifty-two people. It’s what touched the lives of so many around the world. It’s what surrounded me on the mountaintops, in the valleys, and at each point in between. And it’s the reason I believe this current season will be good too.
On my flight back to America, I thought about how it wasn’t just the end of a beautiful year of squad leading but the end of a three-year journey that changed my life. And I wept. They were sad tears because there’s not an organization I believe in more or a season of life I’m more thankful for, and I didn’t want it to be over. They were fearful tears because releasing known goodness to receive promised goodness is scary, and I wondered, “What if I made the wrong choice?” But mostly, they were grateful tears—because the girl who timidly showed up to training camp three years ago is very different than the one currently typing this blog. If you’ve been part of that, thank you. I’ve learned that there comes a time when great seasons are meant to be exactly that: seasons… beautiful memories and forever imprints that we carry into the rest of our lives, thank God for often, and let shape the people we are and the way we live. Sometimes as seasons change, we turn the page in a book; other times, we get to the last page and gently close the cover, knowing it will forever remain one of our favorites. That has been this transition… but guess what? A sequel is being written right now—a sequel called Chicago, and I have a feeling it just might be a bestseller one day.
And there you have the update! In August, I moved to Chicago to be closer to my sister, depend more fully on God, and bring Hope and all that I’ve received to more people who need it. I’ve learned that it’s not about going on mission trips and then returning to “normal life”—it’s about living a life on mission, knowing that every encounter has the potential to shift eternity and that with every breath and heartbeat, we have the chance to help Heaven touch the earth. It’s the most beautiful thing to see and the greatest honor to be part of, and this is what I want my life to be about. I quickly realized that there is great brokenness in Chicago and that people here need God’s love just as much as those across the world. So that’s what I’m doing: loving one person at a time in this city. Why am I confident that this season will be good? Because of that beautiful paradox that as we pour out, we are filled. Because while the places and experiences made these last three years great and the people made them greater, it was learning to really do life with Jesus that made them truly wonderful… and He doesn’t care much about borders; that powerful love I told you about has never been confined to a certain place. Because who I am isn’t dependent upon where I am. Because we get to choose if sweet seasons are the best years of our lives or only the best years so far. And because the One who promised me goodness has never broken a promise. There is still a lot unknown because transition can be hard and this idea of “roots” is strange. But I do know this: God’s love doesn’t fail, and this love has been and will be what colors my world. So I walk on, hoping that my life will continue to tell a powerful story and praying that in it, people will see Jesus reflected and He will get the glory.
Why? Because it’s my duty. Because it’s my privilege. Because I can’t imagine a sweeter way to live. And because, “Once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can’t go back to being normal; you can’t go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time” (Donald Miller).
To those of you who prayed for me, encouraged me, believed in me, sent messages and notes, or supported me financially, thank you feels too small. I have been truly blessed by you and hope that this year (or past three) was a gift to you too. Know that God has used you to touch the world.
There might be more writing someday, but until then, this will be my last blog post on here. Thanks for being part of this journey… it’s been a really, really good one.
I am forever grateful.
If you want to hear more stories, learn more about this Love, or simply talk about life, please reach out ([email protected])! This is your open invitation to my table.
