When it comes to children throwing temper tantrums I have all the patience in the world. I’ll let them sit, cry, throw things; basically wear themselves out until the temper tantrum is over. I’ll ask if they are finished and ready to talk like a big kid or to continue on with their tantrum- ultimately let them make their decision. So children temper tantrums never scared me, I handled those like no one’s business and I’ve seen so many it doesn’t even phase me. Patience and waiting was one of the star qualities I liked to claim of what makes me so special.
However, it wasn’t until I was three months in to realize I was being THAT kid- the one kicking, screaming, crying laying on the floor of a grocery store. That was me. Honest moment, I came on the World Race just for the mission trip part and never cared for a “discipleship program”. I wanted to teach English, build buildings, mix cement and love on orphans. If I did that for 11 months then I would have to be happy. Training camp we were told “this is not just a mission trip” and I was baffled because that’s what I signed up for- just a mission trip. The rest of the benefits from the World Race they could keep because I didn’t want it. I looked at the World Race as a buffet- where I told God what I want and don’t want that He is offering to me for the next 11 months.
That’s how I lived my life for the first 3 months on the race, like a buffet. I was selective on everything- community living, theology, feedback, all the things. I convinced myself that I get to choose of what I want to invite into my life. It is a privilege, because I don’t want the pain if you tell me I’m wrong. Those three months were rough. My team would kindly encourage me to choose/opt in- but I would always refuse. It came to a point I was being stubborn and respond with sorry, but I am only here for the mission trip, God will reveal himself in his own way. Not my best moment.
It wasn’t until month 3 in Malawi that I really had it. I was through. Done. Kaput. First week in Malawi and I was ready for month 12. I devoted my time for my life after the race, and tried to just push through the next 8 months until I go back to “normal American life”. This is where I was focusing all of my attention and I was contempt with my decision. All in all, this plan worked for a while, that is until I sprained my ankle. It was an awful sprain too, I couldn’t walk for the first couple of days and was bedridden for a week. While my team was doing missionary things, I was stuck in my room with no power, no wifi, no movies. It was just me and God. Sure, I tried to entertain myself with dance parties, books and studying material for post-race life (nerd alert!) yet; every day, I kept coming short of feeling any kind of progress. I was wasting my time ignoring all the time I could give my undivided attention to God.
Then I heard it. “Are you done? Erin, are you done with your tantrum?”
I knew exactly who’s voice that was and what He was talking about. He was using my own words I ask children when they are throwing a fit. Are you done is my trademarked phrase when it comes to temper tantrums. So here I am laying in my bed, bored out of my mind, in the powerless room being asked if I’m done throwing my tantrum. Up to this point I had no idea I was holding back, I thought this was all I was going to get out of the world race. Here He is, asking if I am done throwing my temper tantrum and if I want to grow/mature/opt-in or keep throwing my temper tantrum. It was my turn.
It took me a while to dive into looking for more than just an 11 month mission trip, but I finally decided. I am done with my temper tantrum. I let go of my pride, anger and need of control. I don’t need stubbornness. I need Jesus. He waits until I’m done with my temper tantrum, even if takes 3 months while being on a Christian mission trip. He doesn’t care where I am, what words I am throwing at Him, He just waits.
That’s where I am. I am done throwing my temper tantrum of trying to do the World Race MY WAY and now approaching it His way. And so far, His way is better than I could imagine.
