Six days until I board an airplane for the Philippines. I know that this is real now. It is “crunch” time. My mind tells me
there are about a million things I need to do before I leave. I need to get my drivers license renewed because it will expire while I’m gone. I need to write notes to my loved ones so they will have something to read when I’m not here, I need to Scotch-guard my shoes, I need to make sure the horse barn has plenty of hay for the next few weeks, I need to organize that container full of “stuff” under my bed. I could go on. So I woke up this morning with lots of things to do. I went about my daily obligations with purpose and intention but while I was at the barn with a manure shovel in my hand I was just struck with the intense beauty of this day. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to North Carolina in September but it is a sight to behold. The weather is just turning cool enough to work outside and not sweat profusely. The wind blows the leaves on the trees so that they softly whisper over your head and there is this crisp smell of change. Fall is just beginning to peek around the corner and summer is slowly relinquishing control of the air. The horses feel good and our two month old filly dances (literally on her back feet) in the pasture with pleasure. I know this is a bold claim but in that moment I just felt so LOVED by God. He didn’t make it all just for me but He gave me this simple and beautiful moment to join His creation in uninterrupted worship. So I stood and breathed deeply in the generosity of a God who Creates and Re-creates for us and allows us to do it, too. So now my “to-do” list is different. Yes, those things still need to get done but I’m not going to run around and stress. I’m going to take a minutes to stop, breathe and worship and thank the Lord for a tiny dose of perspective when things could get crazy.
Last night my family and friends gathered to wish me well and say some goodbyes. Having so many people I care about in one place was almost overwhelming. So many of my supporters were there and I found myself unable to express the depth of my gratitude and appreciation. Even my girls from college came from as far as Boston and we stood in a circle hugging, laughing, crying and just knowing without saying how great the bond is between us. I have been given so much and I know that leaving is going to crush me. I love my family. I love my friends and they love me back fiercely. I don’t think that I was ready for the intensity of the grief that I feel for the idea of being apart from the people, places and animals that I love so much. But the peace and excitement I feel at leaving is just as great as the grief. How strange it is to have feelings that seem to rationally conflict but God weaves them together to make a tapestry that just points to His grace and affection for His children. So I fully expect Saturday morning to be the end of me as I know it. But I am ready. I am so ready to be changed. To be wrecked and torn apart. To grieve for the things that make Him grieve, to dance for the things that make Him dance. I am aware of my need to be crushed so that God can take the pieces and build something so much greater and accomplish things that cannot be done any other way. I trust Him completely.
