I’m sitting here in the Philippines writing this blog for what seems like the millionth time. The industrial fan across from me is whirring away, blowing hot air around our room. My stuff is everywhere, some on my bed, some halfway in my pack in preparation for our upcoming travel day, and still more stuff is scattered around the floor. So far during my off day today, I’ve talked to my family, bought shampoo, and watched parts of about 6 movies. And right now, thats about all I know. I feel exhausted and I’ve struggled with writing this blog because I couldn’t figure out how to say just that. But one thing that I’ve learned this year is to just say it. It doesn’t have to be neat, or completely thought out, or tied with a nice bow. Sometimes, you just have to be honest and say it. So here it is…
I’m exhausted.
I don’t share this because I want pity or sympathy, or even encouragement. That’s the last thing I need or want. I share it because, for the past few months, I’ve shut myself down in many ways because I didn’t have it together. And right now, I’m ok with not having it all together.
Tomorrow, I start the multiple day journey to Rwanda where I will begin Month 9. This next month brings with it a new continent, new culture, and even a new team. When I think about it all, I feel even more exhausted. The past few months in Asia have been some of my favorites, but also some of the hardest. In Malaysia, we worked in a Kindergarten where we weren’t allowed to talk about Jesus. In fact, we weren’t allowed to talk about being Christians anywhere in our community. Every day, I taught these children and watched as they learned to read and write their numbers and every afternoon, I watched them leave, wondering what their lives at home were like and praying that somehow, they would hear the name of Jesus. In Thailand, I walked street after neon lit street, literally praying away the darkness that tangibly floods the bars of the Red Light districts. I sat across from amazing girls who have a life and a story and a family but night after night, they are seen only for their bodies. In Cambodia, I taught the “ABCs” to smart, eager, village children who couldn’t go to school because their families needed them to help work the fields. I prayed over a woman who was suffering from HIV, on a wooden platform in someone’s backyard, baking in the Cambodian sun, because she had no family and nowhere else to go. She died a week later. This month in the Philippines, I’ve ladled soup into the bowls of hundreds of children whose houses and families were destroyed by Typhoon Yolanda. Even now, four years removed, the effects of those winds and waves can still be seen down every street. And again, all I can say is…
Lord, I’m exhausted
It’s nights like these, when I sit and write, where the reality of the Race catches up to me. I process when I write and to be honest, I haven’t written in months. When I came on this trip, I new it would be tough. I knew I would be pushed to the limits and I knew that I would see things that I will never be able to explain. But even my original expectations couldn’t compare to the realities of this year. A lot of the time, I’ve struggled to see God in this. I’ve struggled to see God in the exhaustion, the pain, the homesickness, and the brokenness. And right now, writing this, thats still something that I struggle with. I feel like I should have this great, uplifting conclusion about how I know better now, but I don’t. I’m still exhausted. This year, I’m learning a lot about the valley’s of the Christian walk. We love to draw mountains in our journals and talk about the “mountaintop worship nights” and memorize verses about standing on mountains but it isn’t all mountaintop to mountaintop. There are valleys, lots of them! Sometimes, they last longer than a week, or a month, or even several months. I’m learning about walking through the valleys. I haven’t done it correctly. I’m still not doing it correctly. But even when I don’t feel it, and I can hardly say it or believe it, or type it on this page, God is pursuing me in the valley’s. He is still here. Tonight as I breathe out another prayer of exhaustion, I see a canyon, a valley. Right now, I’m ok to wander through that valley. My God is here in my valley, His valley. And tonight, I can’t explain it all or even see a way out but I can breathe in and feel Him here, waiting, ruling over my valley, just as He rules over my mountains.
*PRAYER REQUEST – Like I said above, tomorrow we start our travel towards Uganda where we will then take a bus to Rwanda to start our last three months in Africa! However, there are 6 of us on my squad, myself included, whose Visa applications didn’t make it through the system. For one reason or another, the 6 of us did not receive Visa confirmations like the rest of our squad. We will be able to apply again when we land in country and it hopefully will be nothing more than a glitch in the online system that didn’t allow our applications through. If you think about it, please be praying that everything goes smoothly at the border and that we are able to be approved for our Visas with no issues! Thank you!!
Much love,
Erin
