Well, it is now April. Time is flying by. And I have moved two countries since my last blog. I am in now in Ukraine, but before that we spent around 3 weeks in China. Two weeks doing ministry with our contacts and several days in Beijing for our squad 8 month debrief.
China was amazing in many ways, but also personally difficult. My team and another team were in Northern China. It was an extreme temperature change from Malaysia. It snowed maybe 5 days while we were there. I think the cold shocked some much needed life and adventure back into us. Our ministry included teaching English, getting to know college students and attending church. We were allowed to be very open with the gospel which was a blessing and totally not what I expected of China. Our contacts were great and I love the way they face the spiritual opposition head on.
In China, I worked through a lot of things with God. I felt very convicted about many things, such as my prayer life, how I’d been leading the team, how my life should be different when I go home, whether I am really willing to do whatever God asks me to do for the rest of my life, and continuing to let go of the past, just to name a few. It was a heavy time of reflection, and honestly a little depression in seeing that even though I grow I am in no way perfect. It felt as if the old me, the me before the Race, had snuck back in and wanted me to give up.
Before this point on the Race, I was in a very euphoric place. (which in no way am I saying is a bad place.) I was excited about God and the incredible ways He had shown Himself to me. He loves me! He loves everyone! He thinks I’m beautiful and is jealous for me! He told me plans he had for my life and while I wasn’t sure about them all I was super pumped about letting Him lead me.
And then I stalled out.
or maybe a better statement is that I freaked out.
I got overwhelmed with whether or not I actually had a choice in anything anymore. If God “called” me to do something do I just have to do it now? Where’s the freedom in that? What if I don’t want to? And what’s the point if I’m only doing it because He tells me to or is that the point? While wondering about these questions I also got hit with a wave of realization that I can fall so quickly back into my own selfishness.
Then one day while journaling during a Chinese church service, it all made sense. Or at least the part about choices. When I turned to selfishness nothing seemed like a choice because in the strangest of ways God was keeping me from doing what I wanted to do. Somehow what I wanted at that time was to have a choice and not feel forced to do anything. I didn’t even really want to necessarily take whatever the other option was I just wanted the option. I felt trapped in God’s will because I forgot the real reason I was in it. Technically, there is always a choice. I can choose to do what God calls me to or not whenever I want.
But once you’ve tasted the goodness that is in God’s will. It’s all you want.
The choice seems made because it’s already what I desire.
Even if what He wants doesn’t make sense or is way harder than whatever path I would ever choose for myself. He sees us as something greater than we see ourselves as. And He wants something greater for us. That's a very beautiful thing. And something that may take more thinking about before I can state much else. 🙂
