Crossing the Cambodia border yesterday was yet another paradox that I remain unable to explain in words. Do you ever have those moments in life where you wish you could just freeze the frame you’re in and stop to sit and experience the fullness of the moment? It’s bitter and sweet.
I remember the morning I walked across a stage and received a piece of paper that shows
the world that I spent three years of my life devoted to developing my mind and cultivating an understanding of my passions and how I can use them to make the world a better place. After three years of studying, those few hours of graduation didn’t seem to be long enough to revel in the final outcome. It’s a short, but sweet memory.
The bitter moments are more difficult to articulate and it’s often more difficult to desire to remain in these moment. It’s a natural human instinct to avoid pain and discomfort. We harden our hearts to the injustices of the world and push away from people or things that upset our balance of safety and stability.
It’s so easy to watch commercials about saving starving kids on the other side of the world and flick the channel while doubting the truth or reality of the images… until you stand in the middle of the street and stare down into the child’s face and realize that reality is reality and sometimes reality sucks.
I’m not a bitter pessimist in any way, in fact it’s more likely that I’m a free- riding optimist who sees the brokenness of the world and truly believes that things can be changed. I don’t
want to constantly appeal to solely the emotional argument that can be derived from the message that seems to be consistent through these blogs, but I still can’t seem to miss the Father’s heart when I see His children hurting. And yes, it happened again… I’ve glimpsed in at His heart…
Our team was a mess of confusion and we were trying to speed through the border crossing process as efficiently as we possibly could. Things generally aren’t the way we think they should be. We pushed our way through the Thailand side and made our way to the lines to enter Cambodia…somewhere in the short distance between borders; I lost part of my heart to a bunch of dirty, smelly kids. As we walked, I slowly watched the things in my hands disappear, until I was left with tears rolling down my cheeks and a roll of toilet paper in my hand.
It’s funny that I’m still surprised when I feel something different beating inside of me. I used to hate the vulnerability that was exposed when I fell apart in the middle of ‘just living
everyday life.’ I used to hate the shame that was associated with my inability to be a ‘strong’ woman and deal with the things that we see. Now I truly understand that the world doesn’t see enough tears. We don’t see true brokenness because too many of us are led to believe that brokenness demonstrates weakness and weakness is bad.
I want to glory in my weakness. I’ve seen His strength; it’s better than mine.
“For the word of the Lord is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does. The Lord
loves righteousness and
justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. By the word of the Lord were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth. He gathers the waters of the sea into jars; he puts the deep into storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the people of the world revere him.” Psalm 33:4-8
