How did this happen? When I signed up for the race, I signed up for a year- now I can’t imagine going back to the life I once loved and desired. I no longer want to be the same. I don’t value the same things. When did this happen?
I want to love people. I want to
spend myself loving people. I really have been wrecked. And somehow I’m not afraid… I’m really not afraid that my life may never look the way that I thought it would look. Because I know there’s MORE! I’m not disappointed with the freedom that comes from allowing the Lord to truly reign in my heart.
I’m afraid that I’m not afraid. I don’t think I really know what I’ve gotten myself into, what I’m willing to give my life away for. Why is this so ok for me? It feels so right. So normal, but I know that it’s not normal….I know that I was not raised with this mindset. I went to college, earned a degree, and was ready to jump on the fast track to the nice life. I shouldn’t be ok with giving it all away.
I’m just beginning to realize that my thought processes aren’t normal. I’m not afraid of dying for what I believe is right. I’m not afraid of fighting for justice and righteousness to rise up in the nations.
I don’t understand myself. Is this a crisis of faith…because I don’t feel like this is a bad thing, but I also don’t feel like I understand that ramifications of the way that I’m thinking. A paradigm shift? Is that what is happening?My entire worldview, everything I’ve learned from my family, everything that had at one point been significantly valuable… Am I forsaking all for the truth that I’ve heard preached from a pulpit all of my life, but now have discovered in a very real way…while holding a dirty, smelly, adorably baby girl in my arms and feeling love pour over me in a way that makes my skin tingle?
Jesus, are you real like this?
How did I miss this for so long?
Lord, you’re doing something greater in me than I can even understand. You’ve taken my heart and gently wiped the slime and sludge out so that you can fill it with more of your heart and love for the world. I’m looking down at my chest right now and I don’t recognize my own heart.
This new heart you’ve given me is different….kind of smushy. When it gets poked by sensitive issues- like children being orphaned or neglected or raped- the smushy, juicy inside starts welling up in my eyes and comes out looking like tears.
But I know these tears aren’t the normal kind that I cry. These tears feel different. They feel sweet as they roll down my cheeks and even though I’m angered by the things that I’m seeing and hearing, my face doesn’t twist or contort with pain. The tears just roll down my r
elaxed cheeks, ruining my perfectly applied mascara and streaking through the layers of self I used to hide behind. And within an instant I’m not hiding anymore. My heart is o
n my sleeve and the world knows that I don’t have it all together. I can’t figure this all
out, Daddy.
I’m not sure what you are doing…. When did this happen?
I am torn from a country that I truly love and now continue on in Bangkok, Thailand where the sex trade industry is the 3rd largest in the World.
