Lord, how can it be? How can you desire to use one so weak and
broken like me?
My heart is desperate. Desperately I want so much more. Please Lord, be a God of so much more. Change me.Soften me. But please don’t leave
me. I need you…
My stomach drops every time
I look into the eyes of these sweet children.
My heart SCREAMS! It breaks open
and I can’t help it. I don’t want to help
it. I want it to smash to pieces every
time I see their curious faces weighing the motives of my heart for entering
their world.
My prayers are spilled. I know a Father who provides for all of my
needs. My eyes cry along with my
heart.DADDY! DADDY! Where are you?
What are you doing here? What are
you doing in me? Daddy, I want to take
care of these little girls. I want to
take them home with me, love them, tell them how special they are to me….to
you.
I’ve become a crier. I really can’t look at people without feeling
for them. I try to hide the tears. To feign indifference. To pray without engaging my heart. But I can’t.
The reality of the cross and the sacrifice that Christ made there have
become so real in me and in my heart that I can hear my Father cry- I want
them. The ones the world will have nothing
to do with… Jesus cried from the cross- I WANT THEM! My heart cry resonates something
similar. I want them. I want the broken. I want the lonely. I want the forgotten. I want the children and their grandmas. I want the handicapped. I want the scorned, the oppressed, the
neglected. Give them to me.I will carry them in my heart. I will pour
love out on them. I will show them the
great mystery of grace, mercy, and love that has changed me. I will cry for them. I will lay down my life so they might find
abundant life.
I’m done. I’m done with living life in an attempt to
please man, to keep everything together, to look good on the outside while my
heart turns to stone. I can’t go back. I can never go back to where I once was. I know too much.The tears are too sweet. The reckless abandon is too satisfying. The reality of Jesus Christ is too
consuming. The knowledge that I never
before had, but now live in has become too much for me to ever want to go back. My heart is so full. Let me explain…
Saturday night, I stood at a
large outreach event in the community of Moya Galpa. The kids from the orphanage arrived and
immediately came running to us. I
strained my arms as I picked up 7 year old Amalia. She wrapped her arms around my neck and
dropped her head onto my shoulder. She
was too heavy for me to be holding her, but tears started welling up in my eyes
at the thought of letting her go. I
whispered, “I love you” in her ear and she pulled her head back to look at
me. “I love you,” I repeated. She kissed my cheek and squeezed my neck. “I love you too,” she replied.
OH my heart screamed. How can I leave her? Daddy?
Daddy, are you there? Can you
hear me? How can I leave her? Who will love her when I’m gone? Who will tell her that she is beautiful? JESUS!
I NEED you! I need you to come
and be daddy! I need you to be big
here. And he is. Big enough to fill my
empty heart. Big enough to move heaven. And big enough to hear the cries of
his beloved children.
